Parentectomy – Cutting Your Kid Loose (Part 2)
If you missed Part 1 of Parentectomy – Cutting Yourself Loose on Thursday, you can view it here.
I’d always thought of the parentectomy as the child ‘cutting the cord’ from the parent. Until recently, I’d never thought about the other side of the parentectomy . . . the need for the parent to cut the cord and let their adult children go free.
More than a few of the younger guys I’ve mentored come into the group with heavy burdens created by their parents and/or in-laws. They struggle with parents who continuously put expectations on their adult children. One mentee’s mother-in-law set the dates for a camping trip for the entire family without talking to a single son or daughter. (And they’d never been camping together before . . . she just thought it was a good idea!) Imagine the turmoil that one created. Another mentee’s wife is still so focused on pleasing her parents that she constantly strives to meet their expectations, driving herself (and her family) to be with them for every event, every vacation, every holiday and virtually every weekend. Yet another of my guys called me from a different state the other day. He and his wife had moved for the express reason of establishing their own family . . . away from the expectations of both sets of parents.
If you’re one of those parents, you need a parentectomy! You need to set your children free from your expectations and get a life of your own. I get it . . . after we’ve poured so much time, energy, effort, and prayer into our children, we want to keep being around them and hearing their voices. We still want to be with them emotionally. But that’s the problem. When they’re married, they’re supposed to be with their mates and their own kids. They wear the expectations of their own spouses, jobs, homes, plans, and friends. We, the parents who raised them, need to get our own lives. To insert ourselves into their lives, even offering them good times and good things, might not be healthy. It can work against them and it can work against us. From Family Life . . .
“God did not mince words when instructing a married couple to leave their parents. The Hebrew words used in Genesis 2:24, which states that ‘a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife,’ mean ‘to forsake dependence upon,’ ‘leave behind,’ ‘release,’ and ‘let go.’
Later, Jesus addressed the issue when he said that no one was ever intended to come between a husband and a wife (Matthew 19:6). No one! No in-laws, no mother, no father was meant to divide a couple who had made a covenant with each other to leave, cleave, and become one flesh.
This pointed instruction is needed. Psychologist Dan Allender says in the book Intimate Allies that ‘the failure to shift loyalty from parents to spouse is a central issue in almost all marital conflict.’ God knows that leaving parents will be a difficult transition, especially in homes where the child-parent bond has been solid and warm. Unfortunately, many (if not most) couples do not cut the apron strings—they lengthen them!”
Here’s why we, the parents, must conduct this painful parentectomy . . .
For them – We inadvertently interfere with their marriages and families. Every time we invite them to do something, we create pressure on their schedules, tension between them and their mates, and stress toward the other set of parents (who are probably doing the same thing).
For us – We are delaying taking responsibility for our own lives by hanging on . . . by trying to fill our ‘relationship voids’ with people we love and who love us and who want to please us, sometimes at a cost to themselves and their best interests. We need to leave them to their families and be grateful when they choose to include us in their lives and family activities.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting we cut ties with our kids. There will come a time when we’ll desperately need them to love and care for us. I’m just saying we need to be gracious and sensitive and find a healthy balance.
Scripture: So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. (Matthew 19:6)
Mentor Tip: Tread softly here. Mentors are wise to steer clear of in-law and extended family situations because we only know one of the parties and hear only one version of the story. Modeling ‘post-parentectomy’ life speaks louder than words.
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Responses (1)
So true Regi….best one yet!
It is up to us to do the letting go – not them!