Parentectomy – Cutting Your Kid Loose (Part 1)
Ever heard of a parentectomy? I’m sure you can guess what it means . . . the removal of a parent(s) from their kids. According to MecidineNet, the term was coined by Dr. M. Murray Peshkin when he worked at the Children’s Asthma Research Institute and Hospital in Denver, CO. He observed a number of patients improve dramatically once removed from their homes, before they even began treatments. He partially attributed this to their removal from their parents.
I’ve always used the word with a smile on my face, never realizing it had any medical significance. To me, it’s what happens when kids start to grow out of childhood. They hit puberty and start pushing back on things. The kid says, “I need to be me,” or “I don’t need a curfew,” or “I want to pick my own friends.” The parent responds, “You don’t know what you don’t know young man!” or “There’ll be a day when you’ll make those decisions for yourself, but it’s not today.” Battles ensue and continue for years but ultimately, the kids are on their own.
These days, ‘launching’ seems to take longer and longer. From reading Robert Wuthnow’s After the Baby Boomers, I learned that in 1960, by age 30, 77% of women and 65% of men completed all the major ‘transitions’ into adulthood: leaving home, finishing school, becoming financially independent, getting married and having a child. But by 2000 . . . in just 40 years, only 46% of women and 31% of men had ‘grown’ up by age 30.
Why is this? Why aren’t our kids ‘cutting the cord’ like we did? Are we complicit in their extended adolescence? A few observations . . .
- We don’t want our kids to suffer – Many of us had jobs and worked while we were in school. We missed out on stuff others got to do. Today’s parents don’t want their kids to miss out on anything. They have the money so why not? And many don’t want to suffer the personal embarrassment of seeing their child bagging groceries at Publix!
- We want our kids to like us – It’s tough telling a teenager ‘no.’ They can be very convincing and they always have the ‘nuclear option’ of being mad at us or threatening to run away. It’s so much easier to give in and give them what they want.
- We like being needed – Kids give us purpose. We’re virtually forced to be involved with their lives at some level. And that gives us a ready excuse for not engaging in things that grow us as people or give of ourselves to serve others.
So, here’s the question – What’s your goal for your kids?
Are you trying to raise popular, cool, beautiful kids who hang around for the next ten years? Or healthy, independent people who will follow Jesus, love others and build a good life for themselves and their own families?
Depending on your answer, a parentectomy might be in order.
Scripture: That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)
Mentor Tip: Mentoring men who have teenagers and young adult kids can be a challenge. Your experience will predictably be different because your children were different. Point your guys to the Lord and to His Word and be willing to share your story . . . the good, the bad and the ugly. Avoid giving advice that starts with, “Well, If I were you . . .” or “What I would do is . . .”
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Responses (1)
I struggle so much with my son … always have. He has had many character issues throughout his life. During his adolescent years, he was a chronic liar … and was very good at it. Thankfully, I feel God gave me a good “radar” and was able to see through it most of the time; my wife was not as keen, in this regard, and he took advantage of that. At our wits end, shortly before he turned 17, we sent him to a therapeutic Christian boys’ ranch in Missouri. It was a great year for him, and for us too, quite frankly. He had a great support system at the ranch, and 24×7 accountability. Everything was done at the ranch: chores, school, sleep, meals … a great environment and he thrived there. He came back home for his senior year in school, got a job at the local Chick-fil-A, and excelled in many areas. He’s currently attending our local community college and still works hard. However, his priorities are all over the place. He is obsessed with football and working, but not investing in his faith at all. I asked him and his older sister (who is also at home studying at the same community college) to read the gospels with me … 3 chapters a day for 30 days … which will take us through all four books. I feel I constantly have to remind him of this commitment. He missed church for three weeks in a row because of making commitments to work (which he didn’t HAVE to do), etc. I’m at my wits end and would rather he just move on and figure out life on his own. I’m thinking living at home is perhaps making life to easy for him. He does have chores, and he does contribute financially to his car insurance and gas. I’m not sure what the right “next step” is for him.
Sorry for the rambling … I’m just so very frustrated.