Write a Letter
Ever have something you want to say to someone but they just can’t hear you. Or you just can’t seem to get the words right? It’s a really “old-school’ idea but writing a personal, handwritten letter is something worth considering. Way back when, that was the lowest but most essential way to communicate. Then typed letters trumped handwritten. They seemed more powerful, though less personal. Then phone calls trumped letters. Telegrams, Fed Ex overnight delivery, …all that put speed at a premium over thought. Then email trumped everything else on speed, putting handwritten, ‘snail-mailed’ letters back in the premium spot. The handwritten letter may be the most powerful communications vehicle this side of a face-to-face meeting. It has gravitas. In our smartphone, email and text-laced culture, a handwritten letter carries weight. It shows you care. It’s more private than emails or texts. Emails get forwarded around, used to draw in ‘allies’, build cases, and rarely get much care in their composition.
Sending a personal, handwritten letter into a tricky situation or messed up relationship has two potential benefits…
1. It forces you to think all the way through what you want to say and choose carefully the words you use. What’s your point? What background facts do you want the reader to hear and consider? What can you leave out to keep them from exploding? What do you want them to do with what you’re telling them?
2. It (sort of) forces the reader to hear you out. In live conversation (in person or on the phone), emotions erupt when one feels attacked or shamed. They ‘tune you out’ and never hear the rest of what you had to say. A letter may have the same effect, but sooner or later, they’ll probably read the whole thing. You can’t hang up on a letter.
Are you going to change someone’s mind with a letter? Probably not.
Can you open a meaningful dialog? Maybe.
Key Point : Don’t write a letter unless you’ve had a long, deep relationship with the person at some point in time. If you don’t have any ‘relational capital’ with the person, a letter may make matters worse.
And plowing old ground isn’t likely to lead you anywhere good. Much more important to tell the person how you feel right now, why you feel that way, and then cast a vision for how you want things to end up. And the best ‘next step’ is usually a live conversation. ”Would you be willing to talk with me on Friday morning at 10?” Or “Could I stop in and see you next Tuesday after lunch? I so want to get this right between us.”
Lastly (and maybe most important), think through why you’re writing the letter. It’s a huge clue as to why the relationship is broken to start with. Are you out to “Tell it like it is”, “Convince them”, “Change their minds”, “Get it off your chest”, “Make sure they know!” “Get them to take responsibility”, or “Tell them how you feel”? A letter won’t likely be helpful if these are your motives. It’ll just ‘stir the pot’.
But if you truly share you heart. Be transparent and vulnerable. Lay aside criticism, guilt, anger, frustration, jealousy….all the bad stuff…and be dead-level personally honest, you might make progress. Words like “I miss our friendship”. “I want my sister back”. “The past doesn’t matter to me….it’s the future I don’t want to miss”. Those can be healing, hope-giving, healthy, redemptive, forgiving words, restorative words.
Question: Is there a broken relationship you have no idea how to fix? Would writing a prayerfully-composed, personal, heart-felt, handwritten letter be something God might have you do? Share here.
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Responses (2)
I have set a goal this year to write a letter of love and encouragement to all of my family and friends this year.
I have started with the primary relationships, my wife and children and will be moving to my mother, father brothers and sister and then to my in laws. Then my friends.
The only agenda is to let them know of my love and to fan the flame of good that I see that they are doing.
When I am done I intend to start again. I may also add strangers that I feel lead to encourage. Hebrews 3:13 NIV
That’s awesome Tony. Big orders from a big God!