Unsolicited Advice Is Always Received As Criticism
Here’s a principle for you . . . unsolicited advice is always received as criticism. When I first read a version of this truth in Dr. Ross Campbell’s book How to Really Love Your Adult Child, I wasn’t sure. I thought “Heck, I’m not defensive . . . I’m a learner. If criticism can help me grow, bring it!” But when I shared this with my wife, she laughed. “You’re just as defensive as the next guy,” she said. “The criticism just has to be at who you are and not just what you’ve done for you to bow up.” She’s pretty smart.
We’ve laughed about the subject of ‘advice-giving’ for years. Once I referred to myself as the ‘Vice President of Advice’ as we laughed about my willingness to dish it out.
“No” she said, “you’re the President of advice!” That one stung!
Dr. Campbell’s original platitude was spoken in the context of an adult child receiving unsolicited advice from a parent, but I think it applies universally. When we volunteer our opinions about someone’s ‘thing,’ be it their children, their work, their decisions, their art, whatever . . . we set ourselves up as judge. We convey, “I know what this could or should be. Here’s my assessment! And here’s what you should do to fix it.”
Relationally, being right or wrong is irrelevant. When your assessment, opinion, or advice is different from what the owner or creator of the ‘thing’ desired, they’re going to feel criticized. That may have been the last thing you intended when you opened your mouth (or hit ‘Send’ on the text message). But that can be how it’s received.
This doesn’t mean they’re going to tell you they felt criticized. On the contrary, most people stuff it and move on. But believe me, it’s there and it’s not forgotten. My wife remembers vividly the first thing I ever said to her over 43 years ago. I made a joking comment about how she set her feet while doing her cheerleading routines. I was trying to be funny and break the ice with the prettiest girl in the school. She thought I was criticizing her . . . not deep criticism but criticism all the same.
If this principle is true, what do we do?
- Wait until we’re asked for advice before we open our mouths.
- Tell them a true story from our experience and let them pull what we have to offer from our story. No one can argue with your story, although a highly defensive person can still feel criticized and take it personally.
- Ask the person if they’d like another idea, assuring them you aren’t criticizing, just offering up something you learned along the way. It’s a ‘both/and,’ not an ‘either/or.’
- Wait for a ‘teachable moment’ and pass along your idea when there’s vulnerability and openness.
Being aware is most of the battle. Catch yourself before you start speaking, or before you send the email. “Do I have something truly valuable to offer here?” “Will the world be a better place if I offer my two cents?” “Will the recipient of my advice be grateful or defensive?”
And remember, just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is criticism in the eye of the receiver.
Be careful.
Question: Are you trying to ‘fix’ people in your life with unsolicited advice? As Dr. Phil says, “How’s that working for you?” Comment here.
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Responses (4)
I am wondering if you have read Proverbs or other Bible passages to substantiate what you’ve written. I know though the Old Testament prophets and Jesus preached the truth in love yet they were not well received with Jesus so much so that He was tortured and murdered. Could it be that you meant something else by what you wrote?
Preaching the truth in love isn’t criticism. It’s vision casting. Of course, the self-righteous people who heard Jesus’ truth are the ones who were so incensed they killed Him. To me, their response validates what I was saying. The point is that when you offer advice, be aware that it’s likely going to be received as criticism. I’m not saying you should never give it; just to be aware relationally of the likely response. Thanks for reading and for your comment. Regi
James, I wasn’t speaking of prophesy nor of watering down the truth. It’s just a fact that when people get advice they don’t ask for, they take it as criticism. If they know that you love them and you have their best interests at heart, it’s easier. But the relationship needs to be really healthy if you’re going to avoid a fight. We can ‘speak the truth in love’ and ruin relationships, often cutting off communication. They may not have ‘ears to hear’ right now, so wisdom might say to wait instead of confronting right now. Above all, we’re to seek the Lord’s direction. If the Holy Spirit burdens you with something and instructs you to act/speak, you miss out on a great opportunity to be helpful if you don’t obey. Thanks for the comment and for reading the blog.
I enjoyed your helpful advice. I became aqware of unsolicted advice a long time ago. I took courses in Real Estate Councelling years ago. One of the tenets of Charles Chatham’s(decd) teachings was that God gave us two ears and one mouth fro a reason. So, he taught to listen carefully to others to determine a way to find a “mutually beneficial solution”. Upon heeding this advice, one of the first realizations is that most people are too busy thinking about what they are going to say next.
It’s like someone who has just quit smoking. They start to realize everyone else’s smoking. I am getting better, but unsolicited advice has always bothered me. Inside I realize that the advice is usually a reflection of someone who wants to project being strong and knowledgeable. I feel that it is rude, pretentious, and presumptuous, usually because the advice is a shallow reflection with little bearing on the desires and needs of the ‘victim”. I found the following article helpful.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201308/what-you-should-know-about-advice-givers
Also, I like this Lao-Tzu Quote
“Those who know do not speak. Those who speak do not know.”― Lao Tzu