The Opposite of Loneliness
If there’s an epidemic in our culture, it’s loneliness. Especially among men. Take our built-in weakness in relational skills, add the demands of our work, season it with a double helping of isolation-enhancing technology, throw in a couple of kid’s sports teams and you’ve got a recipe for being lonely.
When I heard my friend Pete’s quote, I knew it had to come from someone else….it was too good.
The opposite of loneliness isn’t togetherness…it’s intimacy.
(Richard Bach wrote that, if you’re keeping the minutes.)
And it’s true.
We’re together with people all the time. But how often are we intimate?
Before I go on, recognize that intimacy is what makes marriage work. But it’s also what bonds true friends together.
Wanna’ do a scary exercise? Ask yourself these questions and write down the names of all the friends who come to mind?
-Who knows you so well they can tell something’s wrong before you say anything?
-Who misses you…. knows where you’ve gone when you’re not around?
-Who knows your birthday? (And would know it without their computer)
-Who knows where you were born?
-Who knows your story, your WHOLE story… and loves you anyway?
My list was short. Very short.
Intimacy isn’t easy to get. You can’t buy it. You don’t automatically get it by taking your wife away for a weekend or by playing golf with your buddy every Saturday. In marriage, you can turn on the charm, focus on your wife, listen to her, give non-sexual touches, and make her feel very, very loved. And still feel alone.
Because intimacy is two-way. It happens when you love and when you’re loved, when you listen and when you’re listened to. We crave being accepted and we’re dying to be understood. Intimacy is built when both people disclose….express their feelings and their needs.
The biggest roadblock to intimacy is inadequate self-disclosure. We struggle with being open with our spouse and closest friends. We’re so afraid of what they’ll think of us, we keep our stuff bottled up inside. Somehow we’ve missed the fact that we’re loved more in our humble need than we’ll ever be loved in our prideful self-sufficiency.
It’s easiest to be intimate with God. He’s safe. He loves us unconditionally, He’s forgiven us in advance for our screw-ups, and He’ll listen to us and never laugh, roll his eyes, or remind of us of the last time we brought this up. He won’t make us feel stupid for feeling the way we feel. He’ll just listen. Understand. We know He loves us…that’s not on the table.
But we need spouses and friends we can be intimate with too. As usual, we see how God wants us to relate to each other in the way He relates to us. What to do.
Step 1…..make sure you’re the kind of intimate friend God is to you. Have you forgiven in advance? Will you listen and never laugh, judge, criticize or make your spouse or friend feel stupid? Will you understand and leave it at that?
Step 2….tell your spouse and your close friend(s) what you need. Will you tell them you need a friend who will listen and never laugh, judge, criticize, or make you feel stupid? Ask them to be that for you.
Old adage. If you want to have a friend, you have to be one.
New adage. If you want to have a friend, you have tell people you love what you need.
Question: What keeps you from moving your marriage and friendships from casual to intimate? If you’d like to comment, you can do so by clicking here.
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Responses (8)
This part was most helpful; “Somehow we’ve missed the fact that we’re loved more in our humble need than we’ll ever be loved in our prideful self-sufficiency.” This helps me understand my nature, apart from Christ, a little better and also what to pray for. “Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” Thank you Regi,
Amen Michael!
I loved the line, “It happens when you love and when you’re loved, when you listen and when you’re listened to.” Too often we (myself at the top of the list) get in a hurry to tell our end of the story and forget that in order to be heard we must first listen. Thanks for this insightful post with so many good thoughts to dig in to for a while.
These days, truly listening is one of the most treasured and “expensive” gifts you can give.
And the oposiste of love is not hate it is indifference.
Agreed
Consider the Biblical perspective of Pete’s insight: The first crisis of relationship in the Bible was Gen:2 with God telling Adam it was not good for him to be alone. This is before sin! By Gods design! Gods solution was Eve, the 1st wife but also a friend and the mother of every human to follow. Every wife and friend and enemy in the world today.
Interestingly three Hebrew words translate to our word intimacy. YADA, SOD and SAKAN. They translate to know deeply, to reveal yourself deeply and to be moved to caring involvement. Intimacy requires deeply knowing someone, allowing someone to deeply know you, and to be moved to be caringly involved with someone. Sounds like your ministry Regi!
Christ left us with only one “new” commandment, which Andy Stanley argues is the one thing, it covers all the rest. “A new commandment I give you, that you love one another. As I have loved you you are to love one another. By this the world will know you are my disciples, by the way you love one another.” I suggest this all teaches eleminating aloness in the world is the most loving thing we can do. With both God and man. Open yourself up to others so they can know you, and ask questions, dig into areas they are handling alone so you can get to know them and stay involved caringly no mater what.
Daryl Davis is an awesome example of the power of KNOWING in relationship. A black man, he has sought the answer to the question “how can you hate me if you don’t even know me” for three decades, asking this question of leaders of the KKK. Revealing himself and getting to know them. He has a collection of dozens of KKK robes and mask from now ex klan leaders who have renounced their membership because of Daryl establishing intimate relationship with them. Google Daryl Davis, It is quite a story.
Thanks for this Jeff. Precisely on point.
Regi