Protest Polka
Recently, my counselor friend loaned me a book about marriage relationships. Unlike most psychologists who are all about ‘fixing’ people, this author’s book is more about learning to ‘dance’ together instead of trying to fix each other. It’s called Hold Me Tight, written by Dr. Sue Johnson about 10 years ago. It’s been more than enlightening to me . . . more like revolutionary!
Johnson says we all emerge from childhood and adolescence with certain ‘raw spots.’ When we touch one of our wife’s raw spots, it hurts. Bad. In some of those situations . . . maybe most of them, we guys don’t know what happened or what we did. We just know her countenance changed, her smile vanished and things started going downhill between us. The husband, maybe inadvertently, made a move on the ‘dance floor’ and his wife made a countermove. And it works the other way too . . . the wife says or does something and then the husband makes a countermove. The dance has begun . . . so has the argument.
There’s several dances described in the book but the one that most fit my marriage is the ‘protest polka.’ I’ve never danced the polka in my life but from what I read, it’s a synchronized dance where one partner moves forward as the other steps back. One partner is sort-of the aggressor while the other backs up or pulls away in response. This is us. Most of the time, I’ve been the aggressor . . . always wanting to fix, always asking questions, always pontificating and thinking out loud. It never dawned on me that I was trampling all over her raw spots, making her constantly back up to protect herself. Here I am wanting emotional connection and ironically, I’m the one ruining the connection because either I haven’t studied my wife well enough to know her raw spots or I’m so careless that I run over them without so much as a thought. And then sometimes she does the same thing to me . . . says something that hit’s a nerve, never knowing what she said that caused me to withdraw and clam up. Johnson’s point is that couples who learn to navigate around each other’s raw spots have fewer arguments, deeper emotional connection and more intimacy.
So, here’s some advice guys: study your wife! With nothing but an open hand and heart, learn her coherent narrative. Through the stories of her life, especially those from growing up, try to figure out her raw spots. Confirm them with her, then discipline yourself to avoid them. You may see a big change in the level of intimacy and emotional connection you have with your wife as you stop rubbing up against her raw spots.
And one huge caution here . . . don’t start expecting the same thing in return, at least not at first. Once you’re safe for her, maybe she’ll start to figure out your raw spots and live kindlier with you. But that’s not for you to demand. Just love her first . . . as Christ loved the church. Demand nothing. This is about giving kindness, not about trading for kindness.
Scripture: In a similar way, you husbands must live with your wives in an understanding manner, as with a most delicate partner. Honor them as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing may interfere with your prayers. (1 Peter 3:7)
Mentor Tip: Your guys are likely more concerned about being good fathers than husbands. But history proves the best training a child can get for future marriage is to see his father love his mother unconditionally and in an understanding way. You can’t overemphasize God-centric marriage to your group.
Breathe New Life Into Your Discipleship
Small group mentoring can help you engage your people, build your core group of leaders, and transform your church. Our free resources equip you with all the tools you need to launch a sustainable mentoring program.
Responses (2)
I see some good advice and some misconceptions in this approach to marriage. The good advice is knowing our spouses well enough to not intentionally bring up painful subjects or hurtful things.
The misconception is that when this does happen either from our spouse or others is we think that they are at fault where we get an attitude towards them. The understanding I get from scripture is that because of God’s passionate love for us He won’t leave us with raw spots but will orchestrate life around allowing them to surface or as therapists would say we get triggered. The problem is we tend to struggle with the one who triggers us vs seeing God’s loving hand in wanting to heal & deliver us from our current condition of hurt, pain, unforgivness, and self protection. We all will hold onto those things about ourselves unless God intervenes in a way that brings them out into our reality. It really has to do with understanding what He desires for us and realizing that our comfort is not paramount to Him but our freedom is
Thanks Larry. I agree that God is the healer of all hurts and ‘raw spots’. But I think it’s part of sanctification . . . both ours and our spouses. I’ve learned that I’m first responsible for me, for giving Him my ‘raw spots’ and accepting His love and healing so I don’t have triggers. Secondly, I’m responsible for living with Miriam in an understanding way. Proverbs 24:3 talks about knowledge, understanding and wisdom. Knowledge= knowing my wife’s ‘raw spots’, understanding= understanding where they came from and how they affect her and how she rolls, wisdom= how do I respond to her and love her well.