Mentors and Fathers…Two Different Things
Fathers can be mentors, but mentors aren’t necessarily fathers. Mentors choose to mentor, but once a man becomes a father, he is always the father. I believe that’s why God chose the ‘father – son’ paradigm to explain the relationship He wants with us. God as the permanent, perfect, never going away, never giving up, always giving and forgiving Father. And me, the beloved but immature son.
Because our role as ‘father’ is permanent and not optional, it’s easy to live it out unintentionally. To relax into routine, blindly replicating what our fathers did. Responding to our kids out of authority and arrogance vs. love and understanding.
And it’s easy for fathers to be taken for granted. Our kids get use to receiving the love we give and the way we give it. Over time, it’s routine. And invisible.
Mentoring someone (or ones) is for a period of time. Fathering is permanent. Mentoring is usually around a goal, or sometimes around a specific skill of some sort. (Like I mentor to lead men toward God-centric lives.) Fathering isn’t specific. It offers opportunity and duty. It has no limits. It’s about finances, health, life skills, family responsibilities, and submission to authority.
As a father, mentoring is an ‘above and beyond’ opportunity. One of my greatest blessings was having my son in a Radical Mentoring group. It was a time of adjustment in our relationship…he was newly married and was ‘leaving and cleaving’ to his bride. Stepping into the role of mentor helped us reframe our relationship into a more mature one. It added objectivity for both of us. It wasn’t just ‘dear ole’ dad’ harping on something his son needed to work on. It was group assignments where the value was clear and the whole group was involved. Looking at me, seated at the head of the table, facilitating the conversation and sharing my heart, he saw an older, somewhat wiser man who wanted to add value. Rather than a critical, meddling, over-reaching dad trying to change his son.
This weekend offers a great opportunity for a ‘check-up’ on our fathering work. Find a time to get each of your children off to the side and ask this question…
“Tell me three things I can do (or stop doing) to be a better father for you?”
Don’t argue. Don’t defend. If you ask questions, make sure they’re for clarification, not opposition. As soon as you can, get somewhere and write them down. Word for word. Next week, ask God to show you what He would have you know from this, and what He’d have you do with what you’ve been shown. Set some goals, put some ‘to do’s’ on your calendar and follow through.
As you look at this feedback from your kids, look for opportunities to mentor. Think about what they are interested in learning or doing…things you might be able to mentor them in.
At the ground-breaking for his new building yesterday, I watched my son stand on a bulldozer and give a brief talk to his staff and other guests. I can’t express the joy I experienced as he gave God and his employees the credit for their success. That made me proud as a father. But watching him use the speaking skills he learned in my mentoring group made it double-good!
Question: Will you make this Father’s Day one for feedback and growth? And will you look for an opportunity to be a mentor as well as a father ? Tell us here…
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