Marriage . . . In Retrospect
Ronald Wayne, one of the co-founders of Apple Computer, sold his 10% interest in the company for $800 . . . less than two weeks after it started. What would have ended up being worth $75.5 billion was traded away for less than some people pay for a month’s rent. Wayne later said he made “the best decision with the information available to me at the time.”
In retrospect, nobody can imagine throwing away a fortune for a mere $800. But in retrospect, a lot of things look different, don’t they?
Take marriage for example.
We go into it fueled by an infatuation with visions of perfect companions slicing and dicing through the stages of life. We see lots of money, wonderful sex, little kids pretty and perfect, and tons of friends cheering us on.
But sometime in the first few years, reality bites. She’s not as crazy about you as she once was. His kindness has been replaced by an angry tone. Money is tighter than you ever imagined . . . things happen you didn’t plan for and cash is drained away in chunks. Friends feel more like magnets pulling you apart than pushing you together. And if there’s a kid, your joy is joined by the weight of responsibility the first night he’s sick and you don’t know what to do.
In retrospect, you see things you didn’t think about. You didn’t date long enough to see how she responded to stress. You didn’t plan for all these expenses. You didn’t realize how tired she’d be after working all day and how that would affect her interest in you. You didn’t think it would be this hard to have a kid and keep it fed, dry and quiet. And maybe you didn’t think she would show up on your radar. . . the perfect girl who has none of the issues your wife has. You didn’t think he would ever come back into your life and say, “I was wrong, we were meant for each other, leave him and let’s pick up where we left off.”
Thousands . . . no millions of couples hit one of these walls in marriage. After 48 years and hitting most of these walls at one time or another, I offer three suggestions for moving beyond them . . .
- Visualize yourself at future points in time and look backward . . . in retrospect. In screenwriting, the main character is revealed by what he does, not by what he says. If you’re 28, visualize yourself at 38. “Is what I’ll be giving up by divorcing my wife the very thing I’ll want when I’m ten years older? Do I want to be ‘that guy’ at 38? At 48? At 58?” Who has divorced his wife and become a better man as a result? Which of my divorced friends has become my hero? Who’s remarried ‘perfection’ and now lives the wrinkle-free life?
- Think with your head and not with your heart. “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” says Jeremiah. The word “heart” can be swapped for the word “desires.” Our desires are deceitful. They can be really sick and hard to understand. Our appetites can lead us to decisions that damage our health, wealth and stability. When emotions get involved . . . things like love and lust and acceptance and shame and anger, we can talk ourselves into and out of most anything. Don’t do it. Don’t let your heart convince you of things your head knows are false. Find a couple of friends you respect. Tell them where you are and where you’re headed. Let them talk you off the ledge.
- Stress is always derived from deadlines. When we’re patient and not in a hurry, stress is low. But when we want what we want and we want it now, stress goes through the roof. It’s a proven fact that when our emotional level goes up, our functioning level goes down. We make poorer decisions, some of which we’ll regret in retrospect. Think long-term. Visualize future seasons of married life when you’ll have more money, older kids, and less testosterone. Think about how your tenacity will someday inform your kids. Divorcing your husband informs them a different way. It gives them permission to divorce. Never forget that.
It’s been said that marriage is the full-length mirror where we see our selfishness. None of us want to hear that in the here and now. But in retrospect, I see my temptations around marriage and divorce were motivated by my selfishness. Don’t give into it. Think long-term. Give yourself and your wife and your God time. In retrospect, we feel good about ourselves when we do the right thing. I knew the ‘right thing’ was to stick it out . . . to invest in my marriage even when it was hard. In retrospect, I’m so glad I didn’t sell out early on for what I now know to be chump change.
Scripture: Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. 3 Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. (Ephesians 4:2-3)
Mentor Tip: Tell your guys about your marriage . . . the good, the bad and the ugly. Your transparency and vulnerability can help them avoid the mistakes you made. Help them think long-term and take the “d-word” off the table.
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Responses (5)
Regi,
On Monday, 4 Dec 17, I talked with Trey Brush about the effort to begin a mentoring ministry at Crossroads Fellowship in Raleigh, NC. I am a former elder and am now helping to rebuild a older singles ministry. The singles want to help the church grow and one way is to promote mentoring.
In your latest blog, you wrote:
Think with your head and not with your heart. “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” says Jeremiah. The word “heart” can be swapped for the word “desires.” Our desires are deceitful. They can be really sick and hard to understand. Our appetites can lead us to decisions that damage our health, wealth and stability. When emotions get involved . . . things like love and lust and acceptance and shame and anger, we can talk ourselves into and out of most anything. Don’t do it. Don’t let your heart convince you of things your head knows are false. Find a couple of friends you respect. Tell them where you are and where you’re headed. Let them talk you off the ledge.
I would like to suggest that God-given emotions should not be grouped with bad emotions and thrown away like “throwing away the baby with the bath water.’ I am convinced that healthy emotions, feelings, desires, etc. can be a great asset in decision making and not a liability. I see healthy emotions (goodness, kindness, generosity, a forgiving spirit, etc.) as real assets in choosing life paths. I try to help people understand that they were created by God in His image and thus have remarkable potential. However, this image has been tainted by Satan using the world and our flesh to change our perspective. It is these things that must be unlearned, with the Lord’s help, so we can be restored to place closer to the image God created in us. Then, and only then, will we be able to make better life choices.
This is what you wrote in the next paragraph:
Stress is always derived from deadlines. When we’re patient and not in a hurry, stress is low. But when we want what we want and we want it now, stress goes through the roof. It’s a proven fact that when our emotional level goes up, our functioning level goes down. We make poorer decisions, some of which we’ll regret in retrospect.
My response to the situation you describe is that all circumstances and relationships of life are far beyond any human control. However, God is in control of every situation, and He uses every human response (good or bad) for His plan and purpose. I do not understand how God fits all our responses into his kingdom plan, but somehow He does. The only thing a human being controls is how they respond to circumstances and relationships. These responses determine the environment in which a person lives. When good emotions well up in us, they lead us to better life choices because we “seek first the kingdom of God” and allow Him to guide us through every gift he has given us because our desire is to love Him with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. If we allow bad emotions and feelings to influence our decisions, we will always harm ourselves and other around us. Bad emotions and feelings will lead us to attempt to control circumstances and relationships instead of focusing on controlling our responses. The result of this will be stress, stress, stress. The only way to avoid this burden is to acknowledge the Lord’s capacity for knowing and controlling every life circumstance and relationship.
I would love to get your take on my thoughts regarding the use of emotions and feeling. Dr. Bill Bright from Campus Crusade taught that emotions should never be used to make decisions. I am fully convinced that this approach was a mistake that encouraged his disciples to throw away the benefit of healthy emotions and feelings along with the bad ones. I look forward to your reply. Here’s my email address and cell phone number if you prefer to contact me that way.
Tom Capps
Cell 919-812-4848
Email cappstom@gmail.com
I’m reading a lot about emotions and emotional connection these days. Most relevant here is the difference between ‘new love’ and ‘mature love’. When we ‘follow our hearts’, especially when we allow dating relationships to turn physical, we’re fueled by dopamine, the same substance that’s released by cocaine, running and sex. It clouds our judgment. Dating for a year without physical intimacy allows people to develop mature love first. Allows us to recognize differences and not gloss over them. Your point is well taken . . . all decisions are made at the emotional level, no matter how rational we are. Through maturity, delayed gratification and self control, we’re better able to understand our emotions and respond rather than react.
Regi,
We’re acquainted peripherally through NP|MEN. I’m also a subscriber to your blog—one who’s not felt the urge to weigh in on a post before. That changed with Marriage…In Retrospect.
Firstly, I’d like to offer that one would be hard-pressed to find a more staunch supporter of marriage. That’s particularly interesting as I’m twice divorced; once as the “leaver” and once as as the “leavee”.
Having been married for 24 years to the bride of my youth (not to mention the mother of my children), then experiencing a stepfamily created by my second marriage, and enduring heartbreaking loss, I feel uniquely qualified to speak on marriage, as well as divorce.
Your post encourages those not yet married, as well as those entertaining thoughts of divorce, to project themselves into the future. First, to take a sober self-assessment…in retrospect. Then to define a picture of their desirable future—for themselves, their spouse, and their children.
There’s no doubt that the act of divorce implicitly sends the message to our children that divorce is an acceptable option. However, “staying together for the kids”, also deprives our children of a model of a godly marriage. One that, beyond merely surviving, thrives.
If one finds themselves in divorce, it’s vitally important to be intentional about the messages sent to our children. If they didn’t experience a good marriage model, perhaps they could experience a good model of a mother or a father doing the hard work to, in fact, become a better person; the person God created them to be.
The sad reality is that the rate of divorce within the Christian community mirrors that in the general poplulation. Approximately 50% of all first marriages in this country end in divorce. Even worse, the divorce rate is 70% to 80% for those who go on to remarry. As Andy Stanley says, “Everywhere you go, there you are.”
All this to say that it’s not about gutting it out in a bad marriage. It’s that most of what we think we know about marriage is wrong. Rather than focusing on triage, damage control, and bringing couples back from the brink of marriage and familial disaster, we need to focus on all that that goes on leading up to marriage.
An example is pre-marital “counseling”. Once engaged, the idea of marriage is cemented in the minds of both fiancé and fiancée. What’s needed is pre-engagement mentoring. Then, perhaps, both a man and a woman will be better able to take a more objective view of themselves and their prospective partner for life.
Even before that, what’s needed are teachings on and support around dating with purpose, and the dangers of sex outside of marriage. Again, Andy Stanley masterfully addresses the latter in “The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating”.
The old adage, “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” couldn’t be more correct as it relates to marriage and divorce. Only with proper preparation will we ever see the staggering rate of divorce abate.
Ephesians 5:21-33 offers the cure for divorce. Chief among them is the very first passage here: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (NIV)
Dying to self. To finding ones identity in Christ alone. Beyond accepting Christ as Savior, surrendering to His headship in ones life.
Two happy, healthy, whole people comprise a thriving marriage, and it all starts with mutual submission.
Thanks for you all you do.
Couldn’t agree more. Best regards John!
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