Make a ‘people plan’
The best way to predict future behavior is past behavior.
The definition of insanity is to repeat the same behavior and expect a different result.
You can’t talk your way out of what you behave your way into. You have to ‘behave’ your way out of what you behave yourself into.
Okay, so now I’ve shot my wad for cliché’s and principles regarding changing behavior. But I’m going somewhere with this. I promise.
If you and I want to develop real friendships, we’re going to have to do something different. We have to be intentional. Take action. Gordon MacDonald taught us that things get done when they get put on our calendar. So how do you put ‘developing real friendships” on your calendar?
Make a ‘people plan’ for 2013. That’s how.
Here’s what I’ve done. In Donald Miller’s original draft of Storyline, he suggested coming up with a ‘cast of characters’ for our story. I changed it a little, but it’s basically these three “spheres of friendship”…
Intimate friends – People you talk to every day. They know everything about you. Full disclosure. Total love and devotion. In this circle are God and Miriam. That’s it.
Close friends – People you are close to and want to be closer to. They’d have “yes” answers to the 5 questions in my last post. You’re going to ‘touch’ these people each week, give or take. And there can’t be more than 10 names on this list.
Friends – Everyone else. I’d never made a list of friends before. It was gratifying and embarrassing at the same time.
So here’s my ‘people plan’. I’m going deep and daily with God and Miriam. Ample time for conversation and companionship. Not going to let anyone or anything get in the way of these two intimate relationships.
I’m going to actively pursue close friendships with the people on my ‘close friends’ list. I’m going to either call or visit two of them each week. I’m putting their names on my calendar for Mondays. And the week’s not going to end without reaching out. These connections are going to be without a purpose or agenda. They’re about ‘knowing and being known’. Getting “road miles” together. I expect over the course of a few months, a couple of these guys will get close. And a couple will pull away. And that’s o.k.
And the ‘friends’/’everyone else’ list, I’m going to reach out to one of these guys each week. So during the year, I’ll have a ‘touch’ with each friend. When they call me or I call them for something, that doesn’t count. Pure friendship calls don’t have an agenda.
A few weeks ago, I got a call like that from a friend I hadn’t talked to in a while. It sticks vividly in my mind because 1) I wasn’t expecting to hear from him and 2) it was totally purposeless, except to hear about my life…my kids, my family, my work, my health. It was an awesome experience to get that call. I want to ‘give’ that kind of call to my friends at least once this year.
So….
Are you ready to be intentional about developing real friendships?
Question: What’s your plan for (finally) developing some real friendships with other guys? Share it with us here.
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Responses (7)
This blog blinked into my email at 6 am, while I was staring into a dark ceiling, realizing how alone I felt in a season of unemployment, bewilderment about my ministry calling, and unique stresses at home. ‘Lonely’ is the word that was finally materializing in my mind, which came as a surprise, and then I read your last two posts, which really hit the spot for me. So thank you, very much.
As a mentor, do you have any insight as to how those relationships will fit into your People Plan? How do you keep your ‘helper’ relationships from overwhelming your emotional tank or schedule and leaving yourself neglected?
You’re right…there are more relationships to manage than just these. Family, extended family, intentional relationships with unbelievers, and then there are those old, stagnant, ‘utilitarian’ relationships that are there. These in addition to relationships where you’re being ‘used’ or helping people. Jesus didn’t heal everyone. Didn’t help everyone. Gonna’ have to learn to say no and to not answer every question. It’s critical to start your week and your days with this question “Lord, who would you have me ‘touch’ today?” And then do it. I’ve been amazed how efficient I can be when I’m on his “people plan” and not just my own.
Wow – thank you very much, Regi. That is an awesome post – and so practical at the same time! I just completed my “ideal week plan” this morning. As I read your post I realized my week seems to be really friend-less. Sad! So, I will absolutely implement your ideas about starting to build real friendships. Very exciting! Thanks a lot. Just prayed that morning that the Lord would show me the right (important) books for this year – I’m happy He included your post as well. Thanks – you are a real blessing for my life.
Thanks Ingmar
Hi Regi –
Your post the other day about friends inspired me to push forward with this. Do you think there are a set of questions I should be asking and answering inside my ‘close friend relationships’?
Andy, I like Bob Goff’s word on this. He says “Don’t hold me accountable, hold me close”. Holding someone close (and being held close) brings natural accountability. Just relax. Love. Be present. The questions will come. Don’t do what I did for years and make being friends into a “to do” list. My friends and I speak of “let’s just eat pizza”. That’s code for “Let’s be together. No agenda. No plan to fix each other. Just feel each other”. However, I do have a favorite question for my friends. Here it is. “What’s the one question you hope I don’t ask you today?” I’ve been accused of being somewhat intense though. Maybe why I’m just starting to build real friendships at age 62!
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