Mad, Sad or Glad
Few things in life matter more than the emotional connection between a kid and his dad. It has to start early and be refreshed often. If Dad isn’t there to talk about little things with his children, those children won’t turn to Dad to talk about bigger things later on. After a point, kids are influenced almost exclusively by their friends. If you’re not one of those friends, you’re on the outside looking in.
So how do you build that emotional connection? That deep emotional trust?
A lot of really smart people have written about the four access points to a kid’s world. Four times in day-to-day life when a dad has physical and emotional access to his kids. They’re outlined in this verse…
“Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up”. Deut. 11:19
“When you lie down” is what I want to talk about here.
My wife and I constantly maneuvered around who was going to put the kids to bed. It was a chess game. We were both tired. We drew straws. We took turns. The kids never wanted to go down. It was a daily adventure…and a grind. We would pray for them, and after I committed to Christ, I wanted to pray with them. They tell horror stories of long Bible passages and interminable, boring prayers. I think they’re making it up. Never happened.
But here’s what I wish had happened. I wish I’d known to bend down over their beds, put my hand on their heart(s), and ask these three simple questions…
1. Has anyone made you mad today? Is anyone mad at you?
2. Has anything made you sad today? Can you tell me about it?
3. Did anything make you glad today? What can we thank God for tonight?
Those three questions, coupled with the physical touch of a father to his kid’s heart, patiently asked every possible night of a kid’s life? Followed by a simple prayer to a loving Heavenly Father? Imagine the love relationship coming out of that.
As they get older, the questions can get more complicated. A list I received recently…
– Is everything o.k. in your heart?
– Are you waiting around for someone to come to you to make things right?
– Have you had any extended imaginary conversations with anyone lately?
– Do things often come out of your mouth you have to apologize for?
– Have you secretly celebrated someone else’s failure?
– Anything going on you hope no one discovers?
And Dad, how you respond to what they share will determine the depth, quality, and trust level of your relationship. If you launch into ‘advice’ mode, telling them what they should do, how to ‘fix it’, etc., then expect to hear less real stuff next time. If you can respond with gentleness, empathy, and understanding…if you ‘feel’ them rather than fix them, you’ll get invited back ‘into their world’ again and again. Inside their world, you have influence. Outside, you have none.
Question: Will you take the time to check “mad, sad or glad” with your kids tonight? Every night? Share with us here.
Note: Thanks to Andy and Sandra Stanley for their God-given insight on this daily practice.
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Responses (3)
Thanks Reggie, for this reminder. Starting it tonight!
My girls are grown and I know as a Dad I many mistakes never understanding or knowing them. I have been blessed with my first grandson who just turned two. His Dad has no involvement with this wonderful gift from God so I am the main male figuer in his life. I will use this advice everyday to be the best part of his life I can.
Peace, love, and joy!!
Thanks Regi! This is a powerful way for my daughter and I to strengthen our relationship by allowing her to express herself openly. It’s not complicated or does it involve anything to be fixed. It requires us fathers to open our hearts & ears and listen to our children’s feelings. Love it!