Intentionality Leads To Isolation
People tell me I’m one of the most intentional people they know. I’ve given away a hundred copies of a book with a light switch on the cover asking “Is what you’re about to do ‘ON or OFF’ purpose?” I own the URL “www.intentionality.org”. I’m not kidding about being on purpose and intentional.
But a couple of years ago, I found a downside to intentionality. I realized I had lots of acquaintances, but few real friends. I’m not sure I’d had a real friend since high school. Oh, I had ‘colleagues’….people I worked with, went to church with, did ministry with. I had people I advised, supported, mentored and hung out with. Oh, I had people who loved me. But they had short little ‘alligator arms’, primarily because I was so busy and independent, that’s all I’d let them use. Few people knew me. Knew what I had a burden for. What stressed me. What I dreamed about or struggled with.
On a retreat with some fellows, I was skewered. A couple of guys told me they felt I was too busy to be a real friend. When I would ‘fly by’ their lives, it felt more like I was trying to fix them than just being with them. I started to notice people apologize for reaching out to me, starting conversations with words like “I hate to bother you….I know you’re busy, but….”. I was spending virtually all my time getting to know people. But I was unknown. At a deep, personal level, I was friendless. The enemy of intimacy is busyness, and I was so busy being intentional, no one could catch up with me long enough to become an intimate friend.
The lesson?
Over time, intentionality leads to isolation.
It’s opposite of God’s will for us to be isolated. One of the reasons He sacrificed His Son was so we’d never be isolated.
So I shifted gears.
I haven’t stopped being intentional. Instead, I’ve begun to be as intentional about friendships as everything else. I’m making time to just hang out with a few of the guys I know and care about. I’ve started to open up, to share more about myself. My ambitions, fears, frustrations, struggles and stresses. I’m sharing my needs, letting them “in” on what I’m thinking and feeling.
And they’re loving me. Listening to me. Praying for me. All I had to do was slow down and let them in on my life and my needs. God, in His awesome grace and provision, is teaching me how to love others AND how to let them love me back.
What held me back for so long?
The same thing that holds a lot of men back….a deep-seated doubt that you’re good enough. A doubt that you’re worthy of friendship. That you’re truly lovable for who you are and not just what you do. Fear that other guys will judge you. Fear that if you take off the mask and admit your fears and weaknesses, you’ll be seen as a wuss. The enemy whispers his lies…“They already have friends.” “Who are YOU? You’re on the outside of their ‘world’. It’ll be subtle, but they’ll reject you.” “You’ve got too much to do already, with work, family, church, kids’ sports and all.”
So you don’t try. You stay isolated. You continue to fight your battles alone.
Listen, guys desperately want authentic friendship, but someone has to initiate.
And that someone has to be you.
So come on. Be a leader and initiate. Be intentional about developing meaningful friendships with a few guys. Friends, not buddies. Pick men who share your values. Men who want the same things in life you want. God first, great marriage, awesome kids, influence for Christ in the world.
Granted, it’s awkward. Maybe even a little weird feeling at first. But when you put in enough ‘road miles’ with a few guys…when you have enough hours of honest conversation, you’ll realize you’re in a safe ‘place’. A place where you’re known…and loved.
And you’re no longer isolated.
Question: Are there a few guys who really know you? Who’ll ‘call you out’ if they have to? Who know your weaknesses but love you anyway?
Breathe New Life Into Your Discipleship
Small group mentoring can help you engage your people, build your core group of leaders, and transform your church. Our free resources equip you with all the tools you need to launch a sustainable mentoring program.
Responses (5)
Every so often, I’ll hear or read something that I just know is going to stick with me forever. Your statement that “The enemy of intimacy is busyness” is one of those phrases. Whether marriage or friendships as you pointed out or relationships with employees, small investments over time have cumulative value (to quote Andy Stanley). I often fall into the busyness trap and I’m robbing myself and others of these important investments which lead to more intimate relationships. You’ve inspired me to be intentional about a few friendships. thank you.
Absolutely, going away, the best post you have ever done. Probably because it hits me right in the gut. Thanks for sharing your heart with all of us but mostly with me. I was just talking this morning with an old friend. He called me out of the blue because we haven’t talked, really talked, in years. We are too busy. I used to go on retreats with this guy. Now we are acquaintances. He is missing our friendship and so am I. We both agreed to get together and really talk. Our desire is there. I then told him the next time I can meet is 3 weeks from now. How screwed up is that?
I will begin following your advise of being intentional about friendship. Please pray for me and hopefully, you might even find the time to sit an chat with me.
love, charlie
Man, talk about a 2 X 4 to the face! Thanks Regi! This is an area I struggle with – consistently. I know a lot of people, but not really known by many. Thanks for the post…I love being “intentional” when it’s comfortable. I’ll be making it a point to be intentional about some friendships.
Wonderful post Regi. It’s so easy to be so absorbed with helping and serving that we forget to be friends who slow down to love and enjoy each other
I am on this journey with you. It was not easy for me to admit that too many of my relationships were one way and to take the risk of opening up and trusting others to enter into real friendships. Its still easy to hide and pretend to be self sufficient. You call me out of that.
Thanks for writing this. You have said in a few words something terribly important, something that is both true and urgently needed. Thanks for eating pizza with me.
This arrived the day before my Radical Mentoring retreat. I had intended to talk with my guys about this issue, but you said it so much better than I ever could have, and it bacame a major theme for the weekend. I told them of a guy I knew casually almost 20 years ago that was not isolated. He had a group of a half-dozen guys that had been meeting together for 20 years who would always be there for each other. I couldn’t even imagine that and thought it was a little wierd, but I was secretly jealous. But did I do anything about it? Did I intentionally set about to have the same thing for myself? No. I just thought it might happen some how. It didn’t. So I made a point with my guys not to make the same mistake. Thank you, Regi, for being the Lord’s messenger for us at just the right time with just the right message.