Fire Your Father
Last week, I was interviewed on the Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast. During the interview, I mentioned firing my father. It brought a good laugh but I wanted to take the chance to further explain myself, especially since Father’s Day just passed.
On Father’s Day, you probably celebrated your dad in some way. You gave him a call, or a dozen golf balls or maybe you even went out to lunch with the family.
Well, now I think you should consider firing him. That’s right . . . fire your father! If you’re an adult . . . out of college and on your own, you may need to fire your dad.
Before you write me off, hear me out. The majority of men I’ve mentored live every day with ‘father issues.’ Here’s just a sampling of things I’ve heard . . .
- “He ran off and left us.”
- “I could never please him . . . still can’t.”
- “If we’re not at his house on Christmas morning . . .”
- “It’s not what he says that bothers me . . . it’s what he doesn’t say.”
- “He’s oblivious . . . he has no clue what he did to me or how it felt!”
When I was younger, I so wanted to please my dad. Even after I was married. When I got a raise or got promoted, I called my dad before I called my wife. Just like when I was a little boy waiting for him to come home after work, I was still trying to matter. Still striving to please him. Still dying for his praise.
But when I found Jesus . . . or better, when Jesus found me, something incredible happened. Something I didn’t expect. I discovered a Father’s love that was unconditional . . . complete . . . not based on my behavior or performance. Grasping God’s love changed everything for me. I mattered to my (Heavenly) Father and that’s what I needed.
Years later, I remember being in a counselor’s office, I can’t recall exactly why I was there, but I remember the exercise he led me through. He put me in a room by myself with a blank legal pad, a pencil and an empty chair directly in front of me. “Write down every single thing your dad ever did or didn’t do that hurt you. Don’t stop until you’ve written down every single thing. Then imagine he’s sitting in that chair. Read him every item on that list . . . out loud. Tell him how it felt. Tell him what you wish he’d said. All of it. Then say to him, ‘Dad, I forgive you. I forgive you for all of this. God has forgiven me for all the stuff I’ve done . . . I can’t not forgive you. I know you never meant to hurt me. You did the best you could, being who you are. But I’m done with all this . . . I forgive you!’ Then wad up the piece of paper and throw it in the trash. It’s over and done.”
So I did it. I wrote down everything I could think of, read him the whole list, forgave him and then fired him.
From that day, I never looked at my dad the same way. He was no longer my father . . . he was a friend. I was released from his expectations, and he was released from mine. I never told my dad all the stuff I’d held against him. He never knew he got fired. He just saw a change in my heart. We became friends and for the years he lived after that, I was probably his best friend.
If the last thing you need to do is to fire your dad, stop right now and thank God for that. But if you can’t truly thank God for your earthly father, will you forgive him, fire him, and then let your Heavenly Father take his place?
Scripture: And do not call anyone on earth ‘father,’ for you have one Father, and he is in heaven. (Matthew 23:9)
Mentor Tip: I can’t remember a single mentee who didn’t have daddy issues. Some had awful dads, some had dads that were so good they created an unspoken expectation to measure up. Help your guys put their dads in proper perspective. And be sure you’ve done the same with yours.
Breathe New Life Into Your Discipleship
Small group mentoring can help you engage your people, build your core group of leaders, and transform your church. Our free resources equip you with all the tools you need to launch a sustainable mentoring program.
Responses (1)
over the last 2 years, I have found exactly what you have expressed in this article. Bravo and well written. It also means there is a field for discipleship that is wide and deep! Fatherhood matters and it is a heart and soul issue. Thanks Regi for being open, honest and truthful!