A Father With Few Regrets
For a while, the ‘next new thing’ was called the ‘rational method’ of decision-making. All the variables were quantified and processed to yield the path leading to the highest probability of success and the lowest probability of failure. You play the odds, ‘balancing your portfolio’ as you decide how to spend your time, energy and focus.
Fatherhood is one endeavor where the rational method gives no peace. Imagine coming up with formulas for how much time to spend with a son or daughter vs. time with your wife vs. time at work, etc. You’d be torn by the odds of intervening vs. letting them learn from their mistakes. You’d be ripped apart deciding what you would ‘die on the hill’ for as a rational Dad. A lot of us tried stuff like this, substituting ‘quality time’ for ‘quantity’ time, delegating big decisions to Mom, and buying into ‘pop’ psychology over common sense.
As fathers, we don’t want to ‘play the odds’ with our kids. No matter what we do, we can’t guarantee they’ll turn out to be wonderful, Christ-following adults. But we can make decisions leading to the lowest coefficient of regret for ourselves! We want to live beyond having a clear conscience, coming as close to fathering with no regrets as we can. I’m talking about consistent focus, disciplined intentionality, and active (not passive) engagement with our sons and daughters.
After 13 years of mentoring, 30 years of Christ-following and 39 years of fatherhood, I’m reminded of one of the primary principles of medical practice . . .”First, do no harm.” So many men live with scars from Dads who didn’t control their tongues and tempers. “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). At a minimum, we must shut up. Control our criticism and anger. We must resist the temptation to embarrass and belittle our kids. We don’t usually recognize we’re doing it…until it’s done (Coaching our kids in sports is fraught with danger!).
We longed to hear words of praise and affirmation from our Dads…many of us never did. “If he’d only told me he loved me…just once.” “If he could have just found one thing to brag on me for!” It’s amazing how pride paralyzes us. We’ll ride mechanical bulls, motorcycles, and wakeboards but we won’t push through our fears of sounding weird or ‘soft’ by telling our sons and daughters how special they are and how much we love them.
You are likely to have more years after your kids than with them. And while right now might be the most productive years of your work life, it’s also when you have the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be a dad like no other.
Great fathers sometimes pay a great price. If they have to trade the ‘applause of man’ for being men of character, they will, because they know their kids are watching everything they do. Is what your children see in your life what you’ll want them to share with THEIR children years from now?
Are you ‘all in’ for your kids? Are you fathering so you’ll have the least ‘coefficient of regret’ down the road?
Question: Ask God to show you the biggest thing you’ll regret as a father years from now. Then ask Him to give you the courage to tackle it. Tell us HERE what will you regret down the road and what you’ve decided to do about it.
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Responses (9)
I didn’t have a steady example of a father growing up. My biological father was absent, and though my grandfather was great, the examples of men that were paraded in front of me lacked the character that should be modeled for a boy.
My greatest fear is that I’ll become those men… and I almost did. I will not be absent physically or mentally. I will love and fight for my family and put my selfish desires aside. I toed the line of pride and was pulled back from the edge by the grace and mercy of our Heavenly Father. I will follow his example.
Thank you, Mr. Campbell. Your words may be more impactful than you’ll ever know.
…nothing better than being used by Him. Thanks for your encouragement!
I have a father of good character who worked hard and provided well for his family. As in all things we can find fault. My dad was not there for me. His work schedule was 60 plus hours a week and his involvement in the church sometimes topped that. There was little left of dad at home. My younger brother and I were latch key kids and most of the time he referred to us as “the boys.” Due to this void I have focused my time as a father on each of my kids individually. I have also tried to spend a lot of time with them, being involved in their activities in church, scouting and school.
The Holy spirit has put on my heart several times the criticism I heap on them when they blunder. I have watched my wife love on them and simply say to them what they need to change and let it go. I blow up and belittle, especially hurtful to my eldest, my son. I have been aware of this issue and have tried to change the habit but still blow up and hurt him. I am not giving up and will continue to challenge myself to walk away and consider the emotion and approach.
I do love them and I not only tell them but I spend time with them doing what they like to do. We ride bikes, go hiking and backpacking, pull out the pellet guns and knock off a few pesky ground squirrels. We watch movies together and discuss the bible study lessons I’m preparing. I fix them breakfast every morning so we can spend time together as a family before the busy day takes over.
Due to this post, I’m going to ask them individually where I can improve as their dad…and I’m going to ask them to help me not be so mean in my criticism.
Great idea. Asking your kids “What’s it like to be on the other side of me?” Might be eye-opening. But you might also find out if you’re ‘safe’. Might be some work to do.
i’m struck by this phrase when it comes to fathering…
“don’t just speak to your kids about God, speak to them on behalf of God”
Jesus was blessed twice by his Heavenly Father as an adult (baptism and transfiguration). as i think about this i wonder what Jesus’s earthly father, Joseph, did to bless Jesus as a child. as a dad i believe it’s my job to bless my children and speak on behalf of God to them as they are growing up. but there comes a time when i hand them off to Abba Father. it is at this point in time i pray my children will receive the blessing from God that is simply a continuation of the blessing they have already been receiving.
i don’t want to regret having passed on a message that was not consistent with what they will hear from Abba Father. God is beginning to convict me that i speak often as a legalistic overbearing father. i know this will not be consistent with the God of love, mercy, grace, justice, freedom, victory, and joy that will bless them later in life.
God, give me the clarity of mind to see when i speak, discipline, and behave outside of your character towards my children.
thanks for this post Regi. great stuff!
And your ‘blessing’ is more than a few words spoken on a special occasion. It’s lived out through your consistent love and encouragement. Our kids need to hear our voice in their lives, reminding them that we’re FOR them, no matter what.
My children are no longer children, 18 and 21 years old. My biggest regret is that for many years my relationship with them was conditioned on performance. God has shown me His love is unconditional.
Once I quit trying to manage them and started to relate with them our relationship has improved.
2 Cor:4:18 we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. Possessions are the temporal things that can be seen and will eventually burn, rust or be eaten by moths. Love is not seen but lasts forever.
The influence that I exert, for good or ill, will likely be felt for some generations, through my children. What I hope to communicate to them now is my unconditional love for them, the priceless and inestimable value that I feel for them.
Sounds like some adult children have a great mentor-father in their lives now!
I’ve been thoroughly enjoying and reading a brand new book by Dr. Tony Evans. It’s called “Raising Kingdom Kids: Giving Your Child a Living Faith.” In it he helps us grow in confidence and discover our own worth as parents based on God’s Word. He says, “It’s far easier to SHAPE A CHILD than to REPAIR AN ADULT. Raising kids who recognize and retain their identity as children of the King launches healthy adults who have the capacity to stand strong in their faith.” Equipping and guiding our children starts with us, parents! This is the most solid, thorough, inspirational and affirming parent book you’ll ever read! I love it and HIGHLY recommend it for dads, moms, all parents! http://www.raisingkingdomkids.com