How Will You Define ‘Normal’?
Mentoring young husbands and fathers gives me the chance to hear lots of people’s stories. I love guys in their early 30’s. They’re young and energetic, yet they’ve begun to know what they don’t know. The question is “How will they define normal for themselves and their families?” Will they define ‘normal’, or will they let normal define them?
As I listened to a young man’s story the other day…about how he got into drinking and ultimately into rehab, he said “I went to a party school and just did what everyone else did…you know….fraternity parties and stuff. It was just normal.” Another guy my age raised his kids to be normal…sports all the time, academic excellence, with spiritual things worked in around the edges. You know…normal. Of his three kids, one doesn’t speak to him, one has had two children out of wedlock, and the third is suffering from anorexia. Normal.
If we embrace ‘normal’, our kids will have their first full drink of alcohol at age 14 and have sex for the first time when they’re 17. 40% of our teenage daughters will give oral sex to a boy during high school. And 65% of our kids will live with their boyfriend or girlfriend before they get married. That’s normal.
Andy Stanley talks about ‘what could be’ and ‘what should be’. He inspires us to think beyond normal. To see what’s possible. Maybe even what God would want for us.
As men…husbands, fathers & spiritual leaders, we have to wake up to the fact that normal is defining us more than we’re defining normal. Yes, it’s tough to overrule your kids and restrict their freedom. Yes, it’s tough to take them out of a school and put them into another one. Yes, it’s tough to change what they watch and listen to. Yes, it’s tough to get involved in vetting their friends. Knowing who they’re with. Invading the privacy of their smart phones. I feel for guys whose kids are already into ‘normal’ as pre-teens and teens. It’s really tough to back up.
It’s far better to set a vision for what’s ‘normal’ before kids get to pubescence. When you tell them what they can expect before they get there, it’s a little easier to defend ground you’ve taken than trying to recapture ground you’ve given up. Sit down with your wife, your sons and your daughters. Talk about what you want for your kids and what they want for themselves. You’ll be amazed at how much clarity even an 8 year old might have about what they want in life. “I want to marry someone like Daddy.” Well then, let’s talk about what you’ll need to do to give that a chance to happen. Talk in specifics. Talk about it often.
Fathers, don’t accept ‘normal’. Don’t. Decide with your wife what you’re going to define as normal for your family. Then do all you can to make it that way.
Question: Will you accept ‘normal’ for your kids? Share what you’ve done that’s worked here.
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Responses (2)
Great wisdom, Regi. This is not easy to hear and it’s scary for me to think about what normal might look like for my grandkids. Deciding to abandon “normal” is a big decision but it’s vital to be a leader.
Thanks John. Leaders have to first figure out where they are before they can drive toward what could be and should be. Assessing what’s “normal” is a huge part of that.