Clear the Decks
Ever thought about where the phrase “Clear the decks” came from? Pretend you’re interested even if you aren’t, okay?
The phrase comes from the navy. It means ‘remove everything from the decks of the ship and prepare for action’. The specific application I heard was from the submarine corp, when a sub would surface and the crew went for the sunlight like moths to a flame. They’d bring up to the deck clothes, papers….anything they wanted to ‘air out’. When it was time, the call was to “Clear the decks” and the sailors would take whatever they wanted below with them. Whatever they were done with, they’d just leave behind….for the waves to wash away as the sub dived back to the depths.
So if you ‘aired’ everything out around your father, what would you keep? What do you need to be done with? What would you leave behind forever?
Let’s start with the ugly side. Here’s what I left on deck and (mostly) forgot about….
1. He was selfish just like me – None of us want to admit it, but we’re selfish creatures. It wasn’t that my dad didn’t want to ‘father’ me, he just wanted other things more. His work came first. That’s where he made the money we needed to live, but it was also where he got his strokes. I was pretty low on his priority list.
2. He cared a lot about what people thought – Everything we had was super-well kept…the car, the house, the yard…all perfectly maintained. That took time….a lot of time. “The grass isn’t going to cut itself” he’d say. That’s true, but the unintended consequence was a boy who, in many ways, raised himself.
3. He liked being comfortable – He didn’t want to be inconvenienced doing things that cost money, he didn’t enjoy or wasn’t good at. Like fishing, playing golf, or any kind of ‘ball’ or sports. Felt like rejection.
On the other side, I made three discoveries that helped me appreciate my father. Helped me rationalize him and his motives. Maybe they’ll help you too.
1. He did the best he could – His motive was good. Most of the time, dads want to do the right thing, at least what they think is right. All this knowledge about fathering…about the long-term impact of a father on a kid’s self concept….none of that was around 60 years ago, at least not at my house.
2. He didn’t intend to hurt me – Very few dads ever intentionally hurt their kids and mine certainly didn’t. He did what he thought was right…he just didn’t think enough about it. It’s easier to forgive things born of ignorance than from intention.
3. He did better than his dad – As I began trying to understand my dad, I started asking questions about his dad…my grandfather…whom I barely remember. I was stunned when I realized what a horrible family situation my dad came from. With all his faults, he’d ‘advanced the ball’ quite a bit. He was a much better dad to me than his dad was to him.
After I ‘cleared the decks’ and let go of what I’d held against him, I remember thinking “He’s just another old man trying to make his way”. I felt compassion for him. He was getting really old and lonely. In his last years, I tried to be a really good son. And to be his friend.
Question: Have you ‘cleared the decks’ with your dad? Have you forgiven him? Have you thought about the good things he did….or at least tried to understand his motives? Share here if you’d like.
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Responses (4)
Ah, the father wound. I think most men have them and know the heaviness of carrying that load around. None the less, if we have the opportunity to be fathers, we dole out plenty of pain and burdens to our sons.
Yes, I have long ago forgiven my dad, and I am working hard on forgiving myself for not “advancing the ball” near as far as I had hoped…..en theos ††† jw
Yep….the father wound lives on. So glad I recognized it, ‘owned’ it, and forgave it.
Great post. It helps to have a good analogy like “air out” and leave behind to put life’s messes into perspective. What your post shouts out to me is that you used this experience to communicate with someone that you are close with. Sharing things like this, or how your day was or even just mechanical things can be a simple way to build intimacy. even if its small its something to build on!
There’s a ton of people who can recite their dad’s ‘wrongs’, and we definitely need to let go of those. But this exercise helped me recognize a few of his ‘rights’…things I’d overlooked. Thanks for the comment Tim.