Two qualities you must develop if you want your children to turn to you.
“You should have been there! The second Radical Mentoring retreat was this weekend and God showed up big time. A hundred men learning from Steve Farrar, John Lynch, Andy Stanley, and Larry Green. Here’s just a sample of the wisdom that was shared. This is an excerpt from Steve’s book Anchor Man (Thomas Nelson, 1998)
Samuel Goldwyn, the founder of the MGM studios, once said to a young associate, “I want you to tell me exactly what you think, even if it costs you your job.”
That sort of statement doesn’t make a person particularly approachable.
I’m sure that most fathers believe that their children are quick to approach them. But a survey in America’s most popular teen magazine, Seventeen, revealed that only 4.1 percent of the teenage girls in America felt that they could approach their fathers and discuss a serious problem. In other words, 96 out of 100 teenage girls don’t feel that their fathers are approachable. That is serious.
A USA Today poll indicated that when teens are under stress or in a crisis, they turn first to music, second to their friends, and third to TV. Moms came in at number 31 and fathers barely showed up at number 48.
When a child hits adolescence, he makes a major decision in life. He decides to do one of two things during his teenage years. He will either go to his peers and, together with his peers, he will critique his parents. Or, he will go to his parents and, together with his parents, he will critique his peers.
Obviously, the superior option is number two. We want our children to come to us, and then together with us, evaluate and critique their peers. And the child who feels that he can approach his father has a tremendous advantage.
So what makes a father approachable?
- An approachable father listens. President Franklin Roosevelt often had to endure long receiving lines at the White House. He complained that those receptions were so superficial that no one was really listening to anyone else. To prove his point, at the next reception, he murmured to each person who came by to shake his hand, “I murdered my grandmother this morning.” The guests smiled and responded, “Isn’t that wonderful!” or “Keep up the good work” or “It’s such a pleasure to meet you, Mr. President.” It was not until the ambassador of Bolivia came through that he found someone who was really listening. The Bolivian ambassador gave the president a slight bow and then said, “I’m sure she had it coming.”
When you listen to a child you are subconsciously telling that child that he is important. There is nothing more encouraging to a child—preschooler or teenager—than to have her father’s undivided attention when she is speaking to him.
I was a speech communications major in college. I still remember a persuasive speaking course that was the best course I ever had in college. It wasn’t until years after I graduated with a communications degree that it dawned on me that I never had one course in listening. In communication, someone has to speak. But someone also has to listen. And if the listener and the speaker don’t connect, there has been no communication.
When your kids talk, look them squarely in the eye. If they are little toddlers, from time to time get down on a knee so you can listen to them at eye level. They will love you for it. And they will come back for more.
That’s certainly what David did. Note how he responds to the Lord who listens:
I love the Lord, because He has heard
My voice and my supplications.
Because He has inclined His ear to me,
Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.
(Psalm 116:1-2, NKJV)
When you know that someone is listening, you’re going to keep communicating. You’re going to keep approaching him. That’s exactly what we want our kids to do.
- An approachable father understands. Let me put this on the table. Kids who feel consistently misunderstood by their fathers are not going to approach their fathers. They are going to find someone else to talk to.
You’ve been misunderstood before, and so have I. It’s a lousy experience to have someone misunderstand you. It may be a spouse, it may be a friend, it may be your boss. When people misunderstand you, they misread you. And if they continue to do so, you are not going to have any desire to be around them. Why waste your time?
Your children feel the same way. But when they know they have a dad who understands, or at least wants to understand, well, you won’t be able to keep them away.
Question: Are you an approachable Dad? Will you listen? Will you try harder to understand? Will you slow down, focus and let God make you more approachable?
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