5 Principles of Paying Compliments to People
“Hey, that’s a nice new haircut you have.”
“Your last blog post was ‘killer’! Keep it up!”
“She is such a generous friend. She brought over dinner last week when I was sick….I don’t know how she knew I was down and out!”
Everyone likes getting compliments. Most of the time, they feel really good, even when we don’t think we deserve them.
What makes a good compliment? When should we speak and when should we keep our mouths shut? Here are five principles to consider….
1. Don’t tell them directly – The highest compliment you’ll ever receive is one that is not intended for your ears. If you’ve observed something special about someone, tell their husband, wife or best friend. They’ll pass on your compliment without you being involved. It will mean much more coming from a “third party” whose only agenda it to build up the person you want to build up.
2. Compliment character – Bragging about someone’s performance, or looks, or even their skill will encourage them at a surface level. But if you think about their character….if the behavior that’s impressed you emanates from a character quality that you can identify, say something good about that. “If I were describing you to a stranger, I’d start by telling them about your integrity…that I would hand you my wallet and never think twice.” That resonates much more deeply than “Boy, you really shot straight about those expense reports in that meeting with the boss.”
3. Be intentional when you pay a compliment – Think about what you’re going to say and why you’re going to say it. Am I trying to be liked? Or am I about encouraging (“giving courage to”) someone. You get what you ‘glorify’, particularly with young people. If you want your daughter to wear tons of makeup and spend hours on her hair, constantly compliment her on how pretty she looks. Compliments are, in a sense, rewards. And what is rewarded is repeated. Think about what you want repeated before you pay your compliments.
4. Don’t dilute the value of your compliments – Paying too many compliments devalues each one. When someone is constantly gushing praise, it’s hard to take them seriously. In fact, you might even question the very thing they’re complimenting you about. When you think “Oh, they say that to everyone”, it’s easy to discount the compliment and even think they were just saying something to make you feel better. Try not to compliment people on things that weren’t their fault. Your words will ring hollow.
5. Connect your compliment to something they did – When you can validate your compliment with an action the person took that demonstrates that character trait, it’s more meaningful. For example, praising someone for being generous means a lot more to that person when it’s tied to an act of generosity that’s recent and observable. Telling your friends about your creative wife resonates more deeply when she’s just finished redecorating your living room and you’re sitting in it when you’re talking. You’re connecting her effort with her gifts in plain view of the outcome.
Paying good compliments takes time. We have to stop and reflect on what’s been done…what we’ve seen or heard. Then we have to think about the person and how we can love them through our words of praise. Then we have to act. An unspoken compliment is useless and gone forever.
One more thought….
When is the last time you gave yourself a compliment?
Next time you do something you’re a little proud of, use these principles to craft a compliment for yourself. Don’t say it in front of anyone else….that would be goofy. But say it to yourself. And mean it.
Every day during creation, God would pause and compliment Himself by declaring what He’d done as good. Try that on yourself every now and then.
Question: How are you at dishing out praise? Do people roll their eyes because you do it so much? Do they burst into tears because they’ve waited so long to hear a compliment come out of your mouth? If you’d like to comment, please do so here.
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Responses (11)
Thanks for the reminders. They are filled with information that is life changing.
You’re welcome! Thanks for being an active part of the conversation.
FANTASTIC article! I agreed with all the points and def you should write one about how to accept a compliment. I really love the first bullet point of giving a compliment to the third party and examining why you are complimenting someone.
That will be next. Check in on Monday morning!
Thanks Heather….appreciate your feedback and participation!
I get a real sense of how much you care — about all people, not just yourself and those close to you — from blog posts like this one, passing along the wisdom you’ve been blessed with. Thank you for blessing us with it! It is, no doubt, a reflection of the light of Christ shining through, bringing our Heavenly Father the glory He so richly deserves.
Thanks Jim. I try.
Great post! I love the idea of connecting the compliment to character.
There is certainly a tendency by some to take superficial criticism (often accompanied by “you know I am just kidding…”) personally – as a deeper slight than the speaker intended. Conversely, these same people tend to take superficial compliments as just that. However, a compliment that goes to the character of the person is a recognition of a positive about who the person is, not just what they do. And that can’t be dismissed as superficial.
Regi (and RM team) – I love your heart and the “why” behind what you are doing through Radical Mentoring. It isn’t a job, but a calling. Something that will absolutely impact the lives of those that you touch directly and indirectly. Thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of it.
Thanks Mark. I’m glad we are in each other’s lives. We’re praying for you and Lisa.
You make a very valid point by stating we should praise and compliment people by telling it to their spouse, friends, etc. It’s such a great feeling hearing it through the grapevine.
It may be a little sneaky, but my wife is worth it!