Where Are You…Really?

“Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start.” – Nido Qubein

Years ago, my company hired a consultant to help us get better at what we did. He gave us a ‘lens’ to look through. It has stuck with me for decades. He said companies are in one of these ‘modes’….

• Growth mode

• Over-confident mode

• Even-keel

• Trouble mode

I think these describe our marriages at a given point in time. Mine has been in all four at one time or another.

Growth mode…well that’s obvious….and wonderful. You’re on the ‘same page’. You don’t compete or confront or conflict, you collaborate. No ones’ taking things personally. The bedroom is happening often and effortless. It’s bliss.

Over-confident mode means you’re taking things for granted. You’re assuming things about your marriage, your wife and yourself. Things might not be as you assume. Studies show wives rate the quality of their marriages significantly lower than their husbands. If you think your marriage is working just because you’re getting what you want, you might be in for a surprise. If your wife were asked where things are, she might say your marriage is a lot different than you think it is.

‘Even-keel’ is just that. “It’s not great, but it’s not broke” you might say. Sometimes what feels like ‘even-keel’ to you may feel like boredom to her. Unless you take responsibility and become intentional about winning her heart and keeping it, you may be headed for trouble mode.

If you’re already in trouble mode, it feels like your marriage is, in effect, over. It might have disappeared in a flash when she found out you were having an affair. Or it might have been her affair that blew it up. Maybe you just “grew apart.” She’s told you that she doesn’t love you anymore, that she doesn’t want to waste the years she has left doing your laundry and cooking your food. She’s started taking some courses at the community college and she’s feeling “alive again.” You’re smothering her. She wants to breathe. Every day, there’s more and more silence. Fewer friendly conversations. More anger. More frustration. Less patience. Less agreement…on anything. Every marriage gets lost somewhere along the way. You get frustrated, bored, seduced, angry, lazy, or exhausted. They asked Billy Graham’s wife if she ever considered divorce. She said “No, but I have considered murder.”

These ‘modes’ are just guesses about where marriages might be. You say, “But none of these describe where we are.” Granted, there’s probably a thousand options for you to “one-word” your marriage. But the thing is to pick a word. Then go sit down with your wife and ask her to pick a word. You’ll learn something. You may learn a lot. You may learn where you really are, and that’s the first step if you’re going to work on your marriage vs. just living with your marriage.

Question: Do really know where your marriage stands? Have the “what’s your word” conversation with your wife. Share as you see fit here.

February 7-14 has been declared National Marriage Week. Click here to find out more about it.