Why Marriage…
We’ll spend eternity learning the ‘why’ behind stuff here on earth. Unlimited time with an all-knowing God, curious people like me would wear Him out, if He could be worn out….which He can’t. Like so many things, marriage brings the best and the worst. The ‘thrill of victory’ and ‘the agony of defeat’. Gary Thomas says “Marriage is the full-length mirror we see our selfishness in.” That’s not easy to swallow but it’s probably true.
Of 250 blog posts, the “Happy Wife Pledge” has been the most commented on and controversial. The specific pledge that makes peoples’ teeth itch is about sex. Here’s what it says….
“I will stop talking about sex. I will make no other comments, jokes, side comments, or criticisms about the frequency, quality, or any other dimension of our sex life. I will love her and we will enjoy sex only when she is clearly in favor of it. I will put her first, be grateful for what comes my way, and be content.”
Guys hate this because it takes away their power. Girls hate this because it makes them feel guilty. Someone told me about a marriage book that says the person who has the least desire has the most control. I believe that’ll hold up as true. When both people are ready, there’s little friction. But the one that’s hesitant gains the power to turn the yellow light to either green or red. That’s real power.
For the ‘least desire’ person, it’s easy to feel guilty. Assuming it’s the wife (since statistics show women have a lesser appetite for sex), she’s trapped in the tension of wanting to please her husband & give him what he wants vs. being true to herself and not doing something she doesn’t want to do right now. Refuse… he’ll get mad, pout and be mean. Acquiesce….he’ll be o.k. But you’ll feel like you ‘did your duty’…like you were ‘used’.
For the ‘most desire’ person (that’d usually be the guy), he wants it. He needs it. He’s after it. He’ll be nice, wash the kids, do chores, even sit and watch t.v. shows he’s not interested in. But there’s an agenda. He knows it and she knows it. If she ‘delivers’, he’s happy (for a few days). If she doesn’t, he’s disappointed. Anxious. Even angry.
The reason for marriage (beyond procreation), at least one way God uses it, is to help us become less selfish. To put the needs of our wives and husbands above our own. To be like Jesus to the person we love the most. For a husband to take away his open, outward demand for sex requires selflessness. For a wife to initiate sex as a gift to her husband takes selflessness. And selflessness is close to Godliness. It’s totally Jesus. And did you notice…Jesus didn’t marry. He didn’t need to become more selfless. He was totally ‘there’ without it.
Marriage is the mechanism where we can work on being selfless to the max. The more selfless we are, the better things go. When it starts vibrating, one or both of you have slipped into selfish mode.
Question: Have you noticed the correlation between your selfishness and the ‘rough spots’ in your marriage? Tell us here.
February 7-14 has been declared National Marriage Week. Click here to find out more.
Breathe New Life Into Your Discipleship
Small group mentoring can help you engage your people, build your core group of leaders, and transform your church. Our free resources equip you with all the tools you need to launch a sustainable mentoring program.
Responses (2)
If God’s economy is a reverse economy as Bob Goff contends ( the paradox of gaining your life when you are willing to lose it …) then it is probably true that you will gain true fulfillment in your marriage as you are able to give up your agenda and allow Jesus to work with the other person.
I have found it couter productive when I try to steer the ship and make it happen. It usually ends up better when I step back and allow Him to work.
This may sound trite but I trust that Christ is working on my behalf even when appearances are to the contrary.
After really struggling with the frustration and disappointment of my wife not meeting my “standards” from self-discipline to sex to being organized, I was slowly becoming convinced our relationship of 14 years was a huge mistake.
Then in complete frustration I stopped… and I began to pray that God would change me- not her. (He wasn’t working very quick on her anyway!) And the real reason for my prayer was I was tired of being miserable, let down and irritated by what seemed to now be everything she did. My hope was that if it didn’t bother me anymore, she could stay the same and I would just be happier.
And then it happened- things that once bothered me seemed to not scream at me as it happened (or didn’t happen). Even more remarkable was that she became increasingly intent on “bettering” herself in every area I had once tried so hard to make her change. She even began asking me for advice on how to go about changing things. It’s possibly the best ante-dote I could ever offer to any overachieving, performance based, “higher standards” husbands out there. It’s so freeing to both of us now that I’m not constantly working to “make her her best”.