The Happy Wife Pledge
I used to think marriage hinged on picking the right woman. Choose well and you’ll have it made. Then I grew up some and decided it was a 50-50 deal. If my wife and I were “equally yoked,” if we both worked at it and did our parts, we could have a great marriage.
Now I believe it’s almost entirely up to the man. And I can prove it.
Get your Bible out. Put your left hand on it, raise your right hand and repeat the following pledge. It is in front of God, so be serious.
Repeat after me . . .
“My wife is more important than the house being messy. I will shut up and start helping out.”
“I will no longer criticize my wife about how she uses her time. It’s her life to live.”
“I am grateful for a wife who cares about our kids. I will thank her, encourage her, and never allow myself to think I’m unimportant to her.”
“I recognize my wife was her mom’s daughter before she was my wife. She has a right and a responsibility to be a good adult daughter and to ‘honor’ her mother.”
“I will never again complain about the food in our house. Instead, I will offer to stop by the store and bring whatever she needs without complaint.”
“I will never criticize my wife for her desire to be ‘just with me’ versus going out with friends. I will thank her and pour myself into loving her when we’re together.”
“I recognize that my wife gets tired. I will drop all my demands and make ‘space’ for her to rest and I will not take it personally.”
“I acknowledge it’s difficult to identify, screen, and coordinate schedules with babysitters. I will not criticize her nor take her efforts for granted.”
“I will look for the good in my wife’s appearance. If I can’t say something nice, I will keep my mouth shut.”
“I will never again comment on my wife’s weight. That is off-limits to me forever. I will love and accept her regardless. It is none of my business.”
“I will never say anything negative about my wife, even in a joking way, in front of any other person, male or female, friend or foe.”
“I will never again bring up my wife’s performance in earlier parts of her life. For example, I will never talk about how ‘she used to like to dance’ or anything of that nature.”
“I will stop talking about sex. I will make no other comments, jokes, side comments, or criticisms about the frequency, quality, or any other dimension of our sex life. I will love her and we will enjoy sex only when she is clearly in favor of it. I will put her first, be grateful for what comes my way, and be content.”
“I recognize that my family of origin is just that—my family. I will drop my expectations for my wife to engage with my family. I hope she does, but I will not require it of her.”
“I will go through a complete review of our finances. I will make sure she fully understands our income, our budgeted expenses, and our saving & giving commitments. And I will never again criticize her regarding money.”
Live this pledge consistently and you will have a happy wife and a better marriage.
Guaranteed.
Question: Which part of the pledge will be hardest for you? Share it with us here:
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Responses (53)
The hardest part of the pledge is the part right after “Repeat after me… 🙂 But if I had to narrow it down, I’d say the statement that “I will never criticize my wife about how she uses her time. It’s her life to live.” My tendency is to have a “plan for her” in my mind and try to “encourage” her to work that plan. That’s not a good strategy. The idea of not trying to help sounds challenging.
I get it man. I’ve been at this for longer than most of you have been alive. It’s so hard to keep my mouth shut. But loving is listening, and I can’t talk and listen at the same time. So when I choose to live and let live, she feels loved and we’re happier. Think about it…is she going to turn to you, out of the blue and say “you know, after you brought this to my attention, I think I’ll ‘rewire’ myself and become more efficient!” Not happening on this earth…I’m jus’ sayin’
“Marriage is not about finding the right person but rather in being the right person”(unatributed). I used to laugh at arranged marriages but now more than ever I belive that love is a choice that we make. The choice is to love someone despite …
The bible says that we love Him because He first loved us. How can we withold the love of the Savior for any reason?
You got it Tony. Whenever we’re got that index finger pointed, there’s three others pointed back at us.
Regi:
I lead a group of men using “Every Man’s Battle” as our guide book. My wife and I also lead a couples group using “Every Man’s Marriage” and “Every Woman’s Marriage”. We have learned that we (men) need to be bond servants to our wives and seek Oneness which requires mutual submission. We have also learned about the man’s 72 hour cycle and how going beyond that period, greatly increases the likelihood of alternate means of gratification entering the mix. I can’t advise my men to take your pledge concerning the part about discussing sex because we are clearly taught that for her to deny us – beyond a certain point – is sin. Please comment.
Ed
“Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her”. Eph. 5:25. Christ modeled and taught selfishness. I can’t see how a husband can put his wife before himself and then call her out for not giving him sex when he wants it. If we pull out “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time” 1 Cor.7:5, she’ll pull out 1 Thess. 4:4-5 “that each of you should learn to control his own vessel in a way that is holy and honorable”. Nobody wins these sword drills. I don’t personally think the “thou shalt not deprive me” idea has a place in a healthy marriage. Remember, the Apostle Paul, who wrote both verses, was a bachelor.
If one person is deprived to the point of seeking alternate gratification, is that a healthy marriage?
Maybe he’s deprived because he treats his wife poorly. Doesn’t listen to her. Isn’t emotionally available. A healthy marriage is characterized by intimacy. A husband who is ‘safe’ for his wife. Even safe for her to say ‘not tonight’ and not get push back. Remember, the verse talks about mutual submission…not the wife submitting. If a man and his wife are where God would have them be, they’ll be able to talk through anything, including his interest in having sex and her desire not to.
Consider the situation where the husband is submitting and being a bond servant according to Christ’s example and his wife’s desires are for a once a month sexual encounter and she disregards his needs. Isn’t she sinning by not considering his needs?
“Sin” is between God and her, not her and her husband. If the husband has lived out the “pledge” I shared, that wife will have a different heart. How about this….print out the pledge and have the guy give it to his wife and ask her to evaluate him on each of the items. Ask her to rate him from 1 to 5 on each. 1 being low and 5 being high. I’ll bet dollars to donuts she’ll rate him low in several categories. OR she’ll be so afraid to tell him the truth, she’ll not answer truthfully. Give it a shot and report back how it goes. You can help a lot of men who feel like this.
This part of the pledge addresses a very sensitive topic, and I went back and forth on whether or not to post a reply. But, after some prayer and the hope that it will speak to someone somewhere, here goes.
I understand that American culture readily supports the premise that women use intimacy as leverage in a marriage, but it’s a broad stroke perception that suggests a broad stroke solution. However, as diverse as we are as God’s creation, so are our problems in this fallen world.
Since I can only speak to those problems where I’ve had some experience, I want to offer a gentle reminder that for some of us wives, it is not our intention to deny or withhold anything from our husbands.
Many of us truly seek to honor God and submit ourselves fully both to Him and our husbands. But, to some of us, trust and healthy intimacy are foreign concepts due to a less than desirable upbringing or the victimization we suffered in the past.
As much as our society promotes awareness and advocacy for women who’ve suffered abuse, it seems that incest, rape and domestic violence remain some of our nation’s best kept secrets. If we’re lucky, our desire to be free from the pain of the past will send us into the arms of our Savior.
But, when we try to build normal, (or what we think are normal) Godly lives through marriage and family, we often suppress our pasts forgetting it’s part of who we are and something God can use to bring blessing onto ourselves and others. Unfortunately, the residual effects of an abusive past show up as lack of intimacy and trust in our marital and family relationships.
It took me 30 years to work up the courage to go to God with the ugly secrets of childhood (fully understanding that He knew them already), and another 15 to go to the wonderful, supportive husband He gave me. For nearly a decade, the three of us–God, my husband and me–have been working together to develop the kind of trust and intimacy we all crave. But, it’s been very hard work, and there’s still a lot to be done as far our children are concerned.
Sadly, the pain of the past prevents many from doing the hard work that brings healing. Ultimately, what looks like the withholding of intimacy may actually be a well-hidden, deeply ingrained fear of intimacy and inability to trust. I know this is not the case for every marriage with intimacy issues, but as I mentioned, I can only speak to what I know, and I hope it offers a helpful perspective.
In closing, I remain ever grateful for the husband that remained faithful to God and to me during those years when the secrets of the past held me hostage. And, each time we share an intimate moment, I recognize that it is a testament to the awesome healing power of a merciful, loving God.
Thank you, Jackie. Your transparency is awesome and appreciated. Guys…straight from a woman’s heart. Listen up!
Regi,
Great challenge to all of us!
I have a few quotes to share:
“A good marriage is the union of two forgivers.” Ruth Graham
“A good marriage is like living in California, if you find a fault, don’t dwell on it!” Unknown
“A good marriage requires you fall in love, over and over always with the same person.” Unknown
“God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to accept those I can’t change and the wisdom to change the one I can change which is myself!”
“Treat your wife like a thoroughbred and she will never become a nag!” Zig Zigler
Thank you for always encouraging us!
Dan Callahan
Regi —
The most inaccurate part of your post is the last word, “Guaranteed.” Lots of women struggle with clinical depression, and other forms of mental illness. There is more to a “happy” wife than the husband fulfilling his role as a godly, caring, husband. Ask any primary care physician.
Regi,
this post seems to have hit a nerve with a number of men. I agree that nothing in life is guaranteed but I think that there is a greater point. If we do the right things for the right reasons we can leave the results in His hands.
“Nothing matters accept that God is writing a redemptive story in our lives” Jerry Sitser
Happy is probably the most inaccurate word in the post. Comes from “hap” as in haphazard. No guarantee that anyone can be happy. Joy….from the Lord is promised in Scripture…not happiness. And it’s certainly not within one’s capacity to ‘make someone else happy’. And yes, husbands and wives get sick. At the end of the day, the most healing thing we can do for someone who’s ill or struggling is to love them the way Jesus loves us. Unselfishly. Unconditionally. Without demands. I didn’t say it was easy. Not even 100% doable. But it is the course of action the “Godly, caring husband” follows, regardless of the outcome or what’s in it for him.
The sex part is the hardest for me. I am guessing if I do well in the other areas, the sex part will work itself out 🙂
This was a great post that provided much food for thought. I honestly wondered which was the hardest for me and since Lisa and I were in Chattanooga this weekend with our boys and had a drive of several hours home, I was curious which one SHE perceives I struggle with. I gave her the list and asked her to answer the last question. I won’t give her answer but I will say that we went through each one of the points and it made for GREAT conversation. I encourage others to do the same – unless you are NOT willing to act on what you hear.
Since sex seems to be a meaningful topic, I will weigh in on that one. Some that read this may know that Lisa started a battle with breast cancer last February. She has been an absolute ROCK STAR in the way she has handled everything from the surgery to the chemo to the radiation and all of the crappy side effects that go along with each. I won’t go into detail but you can use your imagination as to how that impacted our sex life. When the process started, I recommitted myself to love her (the verb) regardless of the situation. I will say that while sex decreased I love her (the emotion) more now despite (and in some ways because of) all we have gone through.
I don’t know how/if that might be applicable to others and the desire/depression/etc. challenge and I am sure others have handled similar or more difficult situations much better than I have so I welcome other’s thoughts!
Your a hero Mark. Your perspective glorifies God and probably makes Lisa very happy!
Thanks for sharing your wisdom again Regi.
These are challenging.
I will definitely discuss these with my wife to see where I can improve.
Let us know how it goes…
No doubt. Guys think about sex every 3 minutes. It’s huge. And God made us this way….go figure. Could He want to use this urge to honor Him someway….a sacrificial gift we give Him as we live our lives in an understanding way with our wives?
Thanks for sharing Brian
I’d have to seek advice from you here. Which is not one thing I usually do! I enjoy reading a post that produce people believe. Also, thank you for allowing us to remark!
“Cultural Commonality” or “Signs of the Times” (working titles for response)
Text: Who made your wife the head of your household? And what about the wife being subject to her husband as the Church is to be subject to Christ? And what about a two headed household being sure to fall (Jesus’ words)? Did Jesus not offend many? Yes, and He loved everyone as He did so. But ultimately, we will be judged based on obedience/disobedience, once born again. And if not, condemnation awaits.
So I have to ask, are you reading the whole Bible? If so, you should know there’s NO POSSIBLE WAY Jesus won’t address His bride, whether favorably through repentance, or harshly through Her rebellion (see the Revelation of Jesus Christ, among other Bible books).
Lies are so incredibly prevalent in this world, making me wonder if you believe what you posted or if your wife wrote it? Regardless, it’s just another modern “love” message with no real bearing in Scripture. Either way, Jesus offended MANY. And in judgment, He will offend MANY MORE (because culture, your culture, became their god).
Hi Brad…and thanks for your comment.
Feel free to ask my wife who’s head of our household. We do talk about things. I listen to her and she listens to me. That’s love and respect. I Peter 3:7 says “and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life”. Could you share the Scripture referenced about a “two-headed household being sure to fall”? I’ve studied Scripture for 30 years and I don’t recall Jesus saying that. Back to my marriage…when we come together on a decision, it’s easy. If there’s a tie, I’m the tie-breaker. And if she were to want to go off in a direction that would not glorify God, then I’d do my best to veto it. But it’s 2013 and unlike Biblical times when people where “sent out of the temple” and expunged from their communities, men and women have free will and choose to exercise it. You and I have no legal POWER over our wives. We only have INFLUENCE. You may be totally committed to “Biblical marriage”, but today, people have the option of ‘voting with their feet’. That’s why the divorce rate among Christians is roughly the same as everyone else. If a man only reads Ephesians 2:22 and gets all jazzed up with the power of “Submit to me…I’m the head of the house”, he’ll likely have a very unhappy household, if he has one at all. But the Scripture goes on, in verse 23 to challenge the man to love his wife….with unconditional, selfless love like Jesus has for the church. That part scares men because they think they’ll lose their balls. A man who fails to “live with his wife in an understanding way” (I Peter 3:7) is just as rebellious as a wife who pushes back on an oppressive husband who tries to control his wife with “Biblical authority” over loving and serving her. By the way, how long have you been married Brad? Please keep reading and commenting. I’m not afraid of disagreement. And I’m the first to admit I don’t have it all figured out. But I will push back. RC
That insight solves the prboelm. Thanks!
Very interested in hearing Brad’s response to your comments. Which of the items that you listed does he feel doing would make him less head of house? I feel that many husbands misunderstand their responsibility towards their wife. Isn’t this blog about helping husbands understand those parts that are directed at them? How to be a servant leader as Christ was, to lead their family toward closer union to God. It’s the husbands responsibility to “love” his wife and dwell with understanding, etc. It is not the husbands job to make sure his wife submits to him. That commandment is not directed at the husband it is directed at the wife. I have heard the phrase many times, if my husband loves me like Christ loves the church I will have no problem submitting to him. By the way, I just found these blogs and find them very unique, helpful and interesting. Most blogs about the marriage relationship are directed at the wife. Many seem to convey the message that the success or failure of the marriage is on the wife. If your husband cheats you weren’t providing enough sex, love, etc. If your husband doesn’t lead it’s because you aren’t letting him. I have always found that one quite interesting. If the husband is to lead wouldn’t that mean he is to set the tone? A leader leads he doesn’t wait for permission. Perhaps the problem is that some don’t truly understand what leading is and is not. Lead the way in love, forgiveness, selflessness, serving, by example studying scripture etc. Leading is not barking out orders and expecting your wife to happily follow. A good leader is someone who strives to be worth following. I love your articles on marriage because they are encouraging men to be someone worthy of following. I am encouraged that there are men who don’t just look at leadership in the home as a right but instead look at leading well as a responsibility. If more men would worry about being what they should be, I think it’s obvious most (not all) wives would want to help and encourage them. How many wives would push back at a husband who clearly and undeniably loves them and who puts the needs and best interest of their wife and family first? I think in marriage one of the biggest problems is that no one steps up and sets the tone for living Godly. The husband and wife point fingers at each other instead of someone stepping up and treating the other the right way irregardless of who is in the wrong. Jesus died for us when we were unlovable. .He didn’t revile when reviled. He didn’t give insult for insult. That is not to say that those who were reviling or insulting were in the right but Jesus knew that right is right and not dependent upon the sinless response of others. I like that this blog is encouraging men to actually lead in doing right irregardless of whether their wife is right. I think they will find that when they lead in a spirit of love things will fall into place. There will be harmony in most homes when they follow Christ example and become a servant leader.
My husband and I actually have been arguing over several of these things lately. I was surfing the internet, looking for some encouragement, and came across this post. I completely agree with all of this. Now if only my husband would come across this article. lol! Too bad he doesn’t surf the internet for encouragement..
friends have disagreements, employers, and employee have Disagreements
some times, Sisters and brothers, have Disagreements, some time,
Husband and wife also, But the thing is to let the Good thoughts remembered thoughts always out weight the few moments of disagreements. and either the man or the women some one stay
calm if the other one is upset, and decide to listen and talk later.
always holding hands together in prayer first! asking God for peace! and grateful hearts! to listen! and to hear, and both to work on weak area in their Marriage and pray for God strength to do so.
look at my webpage at yumcyummies.com
have many Bless! Happy! New years.
Jackie is right on. I am glad you took the time to post your thoughts.
Do you expect him to surf the net. Perhaps he is surfing the bible instead.
Matthew chapter 7 verse 16 the word of God said, that we will recognize them by their fruit. having and developing a godly Christ walk depends on the individual. reader they are serious about growing in Jesus Christ, threw the word of God. than change will develop, threw a willing person, renewing their spirit Daily as they grow in Jesus Christ.
the word of God and God principals are trying to be more and more taking out of people daily life, it is our strength! and god way for a better life! Crime, and bullying, and so much more would be Less! if God word and his principals would be more welcome in America again.
Matthew chapter 7 verse 16 the word of God said, that we will recognize them by their fruit. having and developing a godly Christ walk depends on the individual. reader they are serious about growing in Jesus Christ, threw the word of God. than change will develop, threw a willing person, renewing their spirit Daily as they grow in Jesus Christ.
Excellent blog post and excellent discussion. How thrilling to see these men agree with this list of how to make your wife happy. I am so impressed.
I have a blog on Betrayal in Christian marriages but if you guys practice the above I won’t be seeing you there.
Marlene
http://www.marlenehibbard.com
T Jackie, Who commented a year ago. I am going to pray for you right now. God bless you.
marlene
I have been married for almost 13 tears and have known my husband for over 20. We have 2 small children who are thankfully both in school now. There is nothing seriously “wrong” in our marriage like abuse or anything like that. It just seems like we just cant get along. The sex has deteriorated slowly over the last few years and neither one of us has any idea how to get it back on track. We both believe in God. But cant seem to paractice what we believe on eachother. Im not thinking divorce but I certainly dont want to live like this anymore. Its so frustrating! For both of us Im sure. I love him but i dont have very many loving feelings toward him. I dont know how to get back on track. We both seem to have gone our separate ways. I dont know how that happened! We used to have what it takes. Now it seems to be gone. How? Where did it go?!!! What do I do?
Thank you Marlene for your prayers! After posting my comment nearly a year ago, I can’t help but be amazed that this thread continues. It goes to show how much we all crave more meaningful, godly marriages. That’s how I felt in my 15-year relationship with my husband, and that craving launched a 7-year journey that’s not only led me closer to my husband but also closer to God.
At first, I thought being more loving, forgiving, and patient was the answer to our marital disconnect. It certainly didn’t hurt, but I soon realized this needed to be a joint effort. So, after several weeks of heartfelt talks (as well as some arguments), my husband agreed that our relationship could be better. The first change we could agree upon was to try and see one another as God sees us. Neither of us had a clue what that meant, so we went to the Word and ended up spending months learning about God’s character. What started out as a research project turned into a wonderful opportunity to see how much my husband loved God and how God loved him and spoke to him through Scripture.
In Scripture, we saw how God relentlessly pursued His children’s trust, often to the point of despair throughout the Old Testament. We then decided to make trust a priority in our marriage. But, building it was challenging because it required us to be persistently vulnerable. It was difficult at first, but over time, we recognized that God’s choice to focus on our godliness instead of our godlessness is the same choice we need to make with each other. For me, it’s continually seeking, recognizing, focusing and appreciating God’s character in my husband that makes it impossible not to fall in love with him over and over again.
Admittedly, during that first year, it was hard not to wonder how long it would take for the old “us” to resurface. Thankfully, we were both committed to the end game, and we did many things that were outside of our comfort zone that are too numerous to detail. Suffice to say, prayer was and continues to be a priority for us. However, I can attest to the fact that all the years of work we’ve put into our marriage no longer feels like work. And, I remain ever grateful to a God who, when we let Him, really will deliver on His promise to make us a new creation in Christ.
Kris,
I’m so glad you felt you could share what is going on with your marriage so you can receive help. I expect that you’ll get a comment back from radicalmentoring.com but if not, I also have a blog at http://www.marlenehibbard.com with a resource page of counseling groups who will help. It’s so important to have a third party help you to evaluate your situation and keep the marriage alive. God wants us to live in peace with one another but when we have difficulty with that we must get some help from sound Christian advisors. Perhaps you’ll find my blog posts helpful although it is mostly about betrayal in marriage …most of the posts can apply to other general problems. I’m going to pray for you right now, Kris.
Kris,
I’m so glad you felt you could share what is going on with your marriage so you can receive help. I expect that you’ll get a comment back from radicalmentoring.com but if not see my blog post address in above comment where you can find a resource page of counseling groups who will help. Some are free. It’s so important to have a third party help you to evaluate your situation and keep the marriage alive. God wants us to live in peace with one another but when we have difficulty with that we must get some help from sound Christian advisors. Perhaps you’ll find my blog posts helpful although it is mostly about betrayal in marriage …most of the posts can apply to other general problems. I’m going to pray for you right now, Kris.
My husband follows this without ever having read it and does keep me happy. But I will say on the sex part you might want to tweek that. Men are very sexual, even more so than many women but to say that they can only have it when she sees fit gives the woman all the power. I know its sounds bad but that is not the way have a happy relationship because as time goes by resentment can grow out of that. And also betrayal.
Perhaps that’s another list for the wives, but I just wanted to throw out there that to think you are only allowed sex when and if she brings it up can leave you waiting for something that might not happen. Constantly nagging? Probably not going to get you far, but an intimate caress when in the bed at night might lead to something more. We females enjoy sex, but in general if we don’t get it we aren’t going to lose any sleep over it. If you are going to make the decision to never initiate at least let her know, or she may think you don’t love her anymore. She may also think you are not faithful because insecurity tells women if he is not sleeping with you he must be sleeping with someone else.
Like I stated my husband follows this list, but not that far. Due to medical issues I spend most of my time sick and in bed, and when I am feeling good I still am not wanting sex. Well, I should say its not at the front of my thoughts and so I would not bring it up to him. But I know it is of interest to him, and he lets me know this. He takes great care of me, our house and our children when I am unable to and for this he should be rewarded and sex, well intimacy, is the best way for us to show each other our love.
I just think men are selling themselves short these days. If you are going to work hard all day to put a roof over your wife and children’s heads you should be shown the same gratitude that you give her. Just as a man should not take advantage of a woman a woman should make sure she is doing as much for her household as him.
This comment packs a powerful message. Why should one partner have all the power. What you say is true. Both partners should agree that if one person is “in the mood” the other should not reject them. Good thinking. Hope your health improves.
Marlene & JJ
You have the answer to the biggest problem in marriage today. It is something that builds “ONENESS” in marriage. Shout it loudly.
JJnarizona
Definitely agree with you on this statement, “If you are going to make the decision to never initiate at least let her know, or she may think you don’t love her anymore.”
My husband use to nearly drive me crazy with the frequency in which he was interested in sex. It was not unusual for him to be interested in sex multiple times per day. Although I almost never turned him down I was often less than enthusiastic . This was primarily while our children were younger and at home. Now that they are grown he almost never initiates and doesn’t even seem that interested. Unfortunately, I am now interested and really miss having intimacy in our marriage. I think his age and lack of energy are contributing factors but it definitely makes me feel unattractive. However, he is a great guy and I love him very much and he is a good husband. We have been married 29 years and are in our early fifties and perhaps it is normal for a man to lose interest as he ages. Definitely for any of you guys out there that decide not to initiate sex but to wait for your wife to show interest be careful of how she will interpret that. I even began to wonder if there was someone else filling those desires for him. I wondered if he wanted out of our marriage of 29 years. All of this because he stopped showing interest in sex. I did finally ask him about it and he said there is no one else and he is not the least bit interested in ending our marriage.
it sounds like low levels of testosterone. This is very easy to have checked and corrected.
This whole blog is fascinating and relevant. My wife and I have been married for 47 years and counting, and each stage of our life has had it’s own challenges. Intimacy is something we treasure, and is something that we are currently working on after a lapse due to health issues (both of us in one fashion or another).
We now have 9 grandkids, and I recently kidded my son that he was going to see more of me since I was going to accompany his 14 year old daughter on all of her dates. I can honestly say that our intimacy today, after all this time is still something we both treasure, and while it doesn’t always involve sex, it is special. As one person commented, testosterone levels decline with age, but there are medical fixes to that.
We are attending a marriage conference this weekend sponsored by Family Life (a Crusade Ministry). Our view is that everyone needs a tune up now and then, and these conferences touch on all of the marriage issues, including intimacy. I hope we learn something new to keep our relationship growing over time.
Hi Regi, I so agree with some of your teachings but honestly thers no way one can wait until his wife is ready to have sex with him. If thats the case a man will wait until judgement day. I am 28 years old and my wife is 27 we have been married for 4 years now. As a Christian the Bible tells me that if it feels like I’m burning “sexually” I should get married rather than fornicating. So what is the use of marriage then?? And where do I fit in as a young man in your teachings? In my country RSA polygamy is a norm because of that reason. Is there any hope for a young Christian MAN in these world? I stand to be corrected if I am wrong. I don’t think you understand how it feels to be faithful to a wife who prevents you intimacy. I’m tempted now as I write these to just leave and be single again. Please help me, is my view of marriage wrong or what?
MS you are speaking for a huge segment of married Christian men. Ask your wife to read the above comments by Marlene and JJ. They are soooo right on. I have led groups for men with sexual addictions and every man involved has sexual disfunction with his wife. We don’t know which came first, but if the wives took the advice of Marlene and JJ, there would be hope for these men to beat the addictions and marriages could be restored.
I really don’t understand why so many women apparently don’t like sex. The female is physically made to enjoy sex. Perhaps too much T.V and porn watching, on the part of each partner?
123willow- its not that women don’t like sex we do but we don’t crave it. We don’t need it nor think about it constantly. I think this has to do with the amount of responsibility that women carry; we put a lot on our shoulders and prioritize the needs of our family. Sex is not one of those things that makes our mental list, though. Just because we don’t ask for it every night doesn’t mean we don’t want or enjoy it we just don’t have a problem getting some extra sleep over sex because there is always tomorrow. For men though they would rather have sex tonight and tomorrow night, but all they have to do is ask.
Now when I saw ask I don’t mean jump on your wife I mean some gentle caresses and some whispering in her ear, but just as men aren’t always in the mood women aren’t either. Don’t get upset if she wants to choose rest over sex, and don’t give up. If it becomes a constant problem then you both need to talk out of the bedroom about what is going on.
Keep in mind women can get a depressed sex drive due to everything from medication, exhaustion and stress from holding everything together, and of course hormones and as women age this becomes a bigger problem. Communication is key in everything, and that is very important when it comes to sex. Over time there can be a lack of intimacy and while men aren’t going to miss it women will lose interest without it. If there is a loss in desire on her part talk to her and find out why that is, it could just be as simple as her not feeling loved or more complex like a medical condition. Keep an open dialog about it, just as we are told with our children, and its amazing what you will learn.
And don’t think of it as the dirty act in porns but as making love to the one you love. It will go a long way to helping you both get on the same page and making that spark become a fire work.
the pledge is very interesting to me but i somehow feel the man deserves some of these respects too. i am very young and have been happily married for quite sometime. the key to a great marriage is to be truthful, always try to see each other’s points of view, and have alot of sex and intimacy, laugh alot , and make sure you are each others best friend and make time endless time for each other…….
Ok so…. what do I do as a husband doing home from a long day at work and my wife doesn’t even have dinner cooked?
What should I do about the way she likes to dress and have her boobs hanging out or see through shirts with bright bras??
I fell I love with a woman who was active and wild and fun! Now she’s boring and doesn’t even want to go workout and take care of her body.
You have two complaints that are actually the opposite of each other. You say you fell in love with a woman who was ” active & wild & fun”. IF your wife is a full-time “housewife”, then she isn’t going to be wild, active, and fun. Because housework is mind-numbing.
How have you approached the dinner being ready on time, problem? Do you come home at nearly the same time every night? Is there anything your wife cooks that you brag about to others? CAN she even cook?
If she does work outside the home, maybe the two of you could do some compromising. One day, maybe cold cuts and raw vegetables, for example. instead of a traditional supper.
If you want your wild lover back, take time to do the things she loved doing before you were married.
The boob thing, I admit to not understanding. I think, except in special cases, a wife should dress in a way her husband finds pleasing. Dress like a tart, if he likes it. Dress in depression-era clothing! As long the material is comfortable & no-iron-needed, why not? You want to have sex, right? He’ll be much more likely to give you what you want, if you give in on the clothes thing.The ‘special’ cases I mentioned is, that sometimes she may have to dress a certain way for a job. Are to get along with her in-laws.
If you haven’t been verbally appreciative of your wife, she may be letting the neighbor ladies influence her behavior. Some women are real trouble-makers.
I don’t know if this will help you, but sometimes planning (and going on) a vacation where you do things that you like, but simply can’t get around to in your day to day life. Sounds like you are “in a rut”.