Six Qualities of a Good Mentor
Occasionally, we get a mildly panicked phone call from a concerned church leader. Some of their groups aren’t working out as expected. After asking a few questions, we almost always uncover two primary symptoms, and both lead us to a similar diagnosis.
The symptoms: 1) I have an attendance problem. What am I doing wrong? And 2) My mentees just won’t do the work, can’t read the books, etc. What can I do?
The diagnosis: bad-mentoritis.
These leaders followed the mentor selection process, identified potential mentors, invited them to a vision-casting meeting, and trained them, but somehow, they ended up at this unexpected and frustrating place. What happened, and how can it be avoided?
Here’s what we look for in a “good mentor.” When you read the list, none of them should surprise you. In fact, you probably could have written it yourself…
- All-in follower of Jesus: People who have learned that loving Jesus and following Him is the secret to life.
- Committed disciple-maker: People who take Jesus’ instruction to “go make disciples” seriously.
- Committed to the next generation: People who get excited about sharing what they have learned about living life with those who are a few steps behind them.
- Facilitator vs. teacher: People who are able to ask open-ended questions and encourage dialogue, not lecture.
- Transparent and vulnerable: People who are transparent and vulnerable about their life experiences…the good, the bad, and the ugly, with honest, gut-level self-disclosure.
- Willing to set and hold others to a higher standard: People who are willing to set and keep the expectations high. Growth happens because of the consistency and commitment of the group.
Let’s zero in on the two that seem to be the root of the initial panicky phone calls.
Facilitator vs. teacher: We need great teachers, people who are the source of information on a particular subject. Facilitators are different. They are great listeners who ask great open-ended questions. They get others engaged in conversation, even those who may prefer not to participate.
Here’s the common mistake: often, they aren’t the same person. Teachers think, “I can’t wait to tell these mentees all I know about marriage in our next three-hour session. Facilitators think, “I can’t wait to learn from all these mentees when we talk about marriage in our next session.” Be honest, if you showed up at someone’s house and they talked to you for three straight hours, would you come back?
Willing to set and hold others to a higher standard: As a mentor, you want something for your mentees. You want them to be better spouses and parents, to follow Jesus with all their hearts, and to be committed disciple-makers. The hardest thing you may have to do is firmly remind them of the commitment they made in joining the mentoring group: to be at every meeting on time with the homework done.
If one mentee shows up minutes late and doesn’t receive direct feedback, you risk everyone showing up late at the next meeting. Most mentees want to be held to a higher standard. If you set the mark high, they will exceed your expectations.
One final question to consider before you ask someone to mentor: If your 30-year-old came home and told you (fill in the blank) agreed to mentor them, how would you react?
If you would pump your fist with excitement, ask (fill in the blank) to be involved. If you would roll your eyes and try to talk them out of it, (fill in the blank) may not be the right choice.
So, to avoid a case of bad-mentoritis, watch out for the signs and step in before you lose the opportunity to mentor the next generation.
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Responses (5)
You came 5 minutes late to a mentorship meeting. And you were never late again. What is the story behind your never coming late again? What happened? Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for your comment. What happened was simple – I thought it was ok to be late because I was never held to a standard before. The mentor firmly reminded me that I had a made a commitment to the group and to him which was to be on time and to be fully prepared for each meeting. Hope this helps.
I agree with you, and especially resonate with #1 above. People will respect us and follow our leadership when they see us living the Way we want them to and being honest when we don’t make it. There is a quality of life that must be inside of a group facilitator which I cannot give him or her. Group members discern quickly when that is present and will flow with a few mistakes along the way. It’s sometimes called modeling. We rarely take people further along the path than we ourselves have gone.
During our 1st mtg one of the lead mentors announced, “Traffic in Atlanta is always an issue but never an excuse!”
That was decades ago but I never forgot it.
These are spot on! I too was the recipient of the “traffic in Atlanta is…” comment (gotta love Regi!). He quickly followed it with, “and I better not see you walking in with a Starbucks or Chick-fil-a cup!”