Shame IN Me (Part I)

I asked my counselor friend why she was so good at getting men to open up and make progress. “I avoid shame,” she said. It seems men have this huge ‘hole in their souls,’ called shame. Abject fear they don’t measure up or have what it takes. I used to think it was defensiveness, but it’s more than that. It’s deeper. More innate.

In their book, How to Improve your Marriage without Talking About It,  Patricia Love and Steven Strosny give fascinating insight into men’s shame…

– Baby boys are five times more easily startled than baby girls. They’re ‘hyper-aroused’ by these emotions…by abrupt noises and movements.

– In response to this hyper-stimulation, the brain does a ‘cortisol dump’, the body’s way of making us uncomfortable so we’ll move to make the situation better. It’s part of the built-in “fight or flight” mechanism.

– A man feels this same discomfort when he is confronted by his wife or his boss’s unhappiness. Or criticism. He’s innately trying to avoid the ‘cortisol dump’ and the hangover that follows for the next several hours. He usually hides.

The root meaning of the word shame is “to cover or conceal”. So when we men feel like we’ve been attacked….or exposed….or criticized….or rejected…or our competence questioned, we react with either ‘fight’ (counter-attacking whoever is threatening us) or ‘flight’ (withdrawing from the fray physically, emotionally, or both).

Since I read this a couple of days ago, I’ve been amazed by its truth. As I’ve listened to myself…tried to track what’s going on with my emotions as I’ve interacted with my wife and others, it’s freaking amazing how easy and natural it is to let my desire to avoid shame drive my responses and behavior.

So why would God ‘wire’ us this way?

He didn’t.

There was no shame…no “fight or flight” until the fall…until we lost our innocence and found ourselves struggling with right and wrong, life and death, pride and humility.

Recognizing what’s happening in our bodies when this ‘shame in us’ is triggered gives us a split second to turn to Jesus and ask for help. Brene’ Brown thinks, “I am enough” and chants, “pain, pain, pain” when she feels shame coming on. I like turning to the great “I am” instead, saying “Jesus, I know you love me….I know you accept me. What would you have me know about myself right now? About this situation? How would you have me respond?” And then respond as He would have me rather than react to protect myself from the shame.

Sick as it is, I feel a little relieved that at least part of this awful ‘shame’ thing inside me was there when I was born. We’ll talk about the harder part, what was ‘added on’ to what was ‘built in’ – the  ‘shame ON me’ part – next time.

Question: Can you sense your body’s ‘shame response’ coming on when you’re attacked or embarrassed? Tell us how God has helped you respond in Him vs. in the flesh.