Shame ON Me (Part II)

Guilt says “I did something bad.” Shame says “I am something bad.” This kind of message is devastating to a boy and it makes for a messed-up man later on.

A few low points from my childhood….

– For as long as I can remember, I was told I was an “accident”. When your brother and sister are 7 and 11 years older than you, and your mom is 37 when you’re conceived, that’s a clue. Instead of feeling special, I felt like an add-on.

-Helping my dad washing the car, I drop the rag in the dirt, pick it up and start washing again. The grit starts scratching the paint. Daddy grabs it from my hands and says “You can’t do anything right.” I heard “I’m worthless.”

– Eighth grade basketball tryouts. First practice. “Give me 10 laps”. I run hard and after a couple of laps, I throw up all over the gym floor, in front of my friends. Coach says “I was afraid of that.” I heard “He knew I wasn’t an athlete. I’m a fake. He saw through me. I’m worthless.”

I’ll bet you could go back and find some ‘defining moments’ in your childhood. We all have them.

The key to all this is not that we feel shame but how we respond to shame. If it’s true that we behave out of what we believe, then we have to get the truth in our noggins and keep on believing it. Not be shaken when we’re attacked, questioned or criticized. Pull ourselves together before we say stuff and spoil a good season in our marriage. And we need help. We can’t ‘go it alone’ in this stuff. It’s too hard.

Here’s a way out.

Facts. Feelings. Friends.

Facts – Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” And not only have we been forgiven, we’ve been replaced.  Galatians 2:20 “I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me”. The facts are that you and I are that special….God loves us enough to redefine us. We are His kids. We are loved. We are special. We have no shame. That’s a fact, Jack!

Feelings – We don’t become crap because we have to go to the bathroom. So why let the feeling of being criticized or questioned define us? Drive us? “Own” us? It’s just a feeling. Take a deep breath. “Process” who’s talking and why they’re talking. Realize their motivation. Believe it or not, it’s usually coming from a misguided desire to help. Patiently respond and remember, don’t take it personal. Rarely does she decide “O.K., I’m going to see just how mad I can make him with this!”

Friends – Turn to Jesus. Shame comes from a lie, and its author is the father of lies. Shame comes from the darkness of evil, darkness cannot be where there is Light, so call on the name of Jesus and you immediately bring in the Light.  When I feel my emotions rising, evoked by someone touching my ‘shame nerve’, if I can muster the presence of mind to pray…to say “Jesus, I need you right now,” things stabilize and I think more clearly. That can get me through the moment, but in the bigger picture, developing at least one close friendship with another serious Christ–follower is critical. A man needs a buddy…someone he can safely talk through these very personal things with. An equally transparent, equally vulnerable friend who’s on the journey, trying to figure it out along with you.

Men, this shame thing is huge. I think it’s foundational. If we can get our arms around this, we move further and faster toward being the man God made us to be.

Question: Will you tackle this shame thing with me? Tell us here.