Sex (Part VIII): Wrap-Up
Today’s blog is the final in a series of posts on sex. The first seven written by former Radical Mentee Benj Miller, and his wife of 15 years Erica. This final post comes from our own Media & Marketing Manager Daniel Kosmala.
We shared Benj and Erica’s posts on Christian married sex because it’s one of the things that most often trips up young couples. Men and women have different levels of sex drive, and God uses these differences to grow our character and our faith. Our Happy Wife Pledge post brought more comments than any other, so we know sex and marriage are big deals for those in our tribe. Without further ado, here’s Daniel . . .
I don’t know about you guys, but the previous seven blog posts have been more cathartic than expected. Sex is one of those topics we don’t talk about enough. So when we get the opportunity, we should take advantage of it.
Having the freedom to talk about it with coworkers, friends, etc. over the last week has been freeing.
Reading the posts written by Benj was almost like rereading a transcript of my own thoughts. Benj is more eloquent than my inner voice and he was able to put into words much of what I have felt and experienced in my own marriage. It felt so affirming to know I’m normal. I’m not alone in this. Other men are struggling with the same things.
Being able to identify temptations (building walls, turning to distractions, and devising false solutions), evaluate my four options (refusing, allowing, participating, initiating), and strive for openness in all of this has been invaluable (and not just in my marriage).
As great as the posts were from Benj, I think I might have gotten the most insight out of Erica’s complementing posts.
It never crossed my mind that my wife can go an entire day (or more) without ever thinking about sex. To me, that’s almost unfathomable. It’s on my mind regularly.
Unfortunately, I didn’t see the disconnect between us there.
God designed men and women differently. Getting out of our own frame of reference and into the completely different perspective of our spouse is something we need to do on a regular basis. Not to get sex, but to help us better connect with their hearts.
There isn’t good or bad here or even right or wrong. We’re just different. We have to accept that and dive headfirst into bridging the gaps between us.
Creating an environment of acceptance and truly listening to my wife can do more for her heart than washing a million dishes, folding a thousand loads of laundry, and vacuuming the living room ten times in a row. I can mark all of those household chores off my to-do list, but it brings me no closer to intimacy and openness with her. If anything, I’ll get a pat on the head like the family dog that peed outside instead of on the carpet. But if I want her to embrace me emotionally, physically, and spiritually then I need to take off my shoes and step into hers. To actively listen and engage with her without an agenda.
And finally, the biggest thing I didn’t necessarily learn from these blog posts but rather had reinforced is just this: Stay.
When life gets hard. When your marriage is filled with fights and disconnection. When you get discouraged and have stopped trying to physically and emotionally connect with your wife. When you reach out and she rolls over. When you feel like you’re a burden. When one of you stonewalls the other. When you hurt each other.
Stay.
Love Stays.
“Love is patient. Love is kind…It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
Love stays. Always.
We were never promised that this would be easy. None of it. So stop expecting it to be.
Scripture: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (Ephesians 5:25)
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