It’s Not About the Nail
When someone sent me this video, I lit up. It totally shows how we (men) get hung up with ‘content’ and drive right by ‘feelings’. I showed it to the guys in my mentoring group to launch our session on marriage.
Exaggerated to make a point?
Yes.
Sitting on bedrock reality?
Oh yeah.
And why is this so hard for us? Why is it such a struggle?
Because it takes more time. We’re in a hurry. We put progress in front of people, even the person we love most. We want to get to the point, fix the problem, and move on. We’re busy…we’ve got other stuff to do, right?
“Show me a woman who says she has ‘no voice’ and I’ll show you a woman whose feelings haven’t been connected with”. John Richie – Founder & CEO – Venturions
Our wives want to be ‘felt’ and understood…not fixed. Even when the stuff she’s struggling with is blatantly obvious (to you), start by connecting with how she’s feeling before you launch off into ‘fix it’ mode.
Note: Click here for more on how to listen to your wife’s feelings and here on why it matters.
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Responses (7)
Learning about and better understanding COMPASSION has been a game changer for me here RC.
Reggie- always appreciate your words of wisdom!
Never had seen this video. So well done!! I laughed.
I’m all for us men backing off of our troubleshooting tendencies long enough for our ladies to digest that we ARE listening to them, acknowledging their feelings, and unconditionally joining them in their process. The typical ‘Mr Fix-it’ leaning we have is the stuff that our male stereotype (articulated well by Male #1 in the video… as well as the stereotypical reactions of Female #1) stems from.
However, I must say that this is not the best point of the video. It’s most useful aspect is that it points us to the reality that there ARE causes to those wounded feelings, and there often ARE real changes to be made. It’s the ‘Right Thinking-> Right Actions-> Right Feelings’ thing.
The video reminded me of too many a friend or mentee (male or females) with whom I’ve patiently sat, wanting only to feel better, and feel entitled to cushion themselves from anyone who would prescribe ‘work’ and ‘change’ to their situation. At some point… we DO need to talk about that nail…
Thanks for sharing!
We talk about the nail when she wants to, unless it’s getting infected.
Great thought.
Point taken. A friend posted this video a few months ago. Surprisingly, more women than men said, “Pull the nail and deal with the feelings later.” Personally, I don’t think it is ever sequential – one or the other; it’s always a mix of each, from both directions, at the same time, each learning to allow for the other. One comment that came out was, “Honey, I’m so sorry to hear about your pain. It must really be quite difficult. Let me know when you want to pull the nail…” I’ve personally been in a number of situations where empathy was useful to maintain the relationship, but it did not grow or progress until the desire for resolution and growth surfaced. It all takes some personal discernment – some relational intelligence and understanding, both of the value people and their perspective. But, in the end, it takes some honest, covenant-style conversation about how we press into personal maturity and growth as a whole, WHILE creating room to understand each other. What’s the key to this situation? Covenant relationship and a growth perspective that lays “my needs” aside, even the “need” to be understood, or the “need” to control or create results. Covenant (joining) relationship with a contribution-through-agreement paradigm will do this. It takes a while to learn, but the paradigm shift is totally worth it.
Feelings before fixes, just like relationships before progress. We step in when it’s getting infected…
Reggie – and those others who may read this,
I’m not a pastor or even any paid staff. I’m just a brother, married for 15 years, have raised two sons, and am offended with the emasculation of the men of God that the Church has, is, and I fear is yet to bring upon this generation of males, Christian or not. My wife is more left-brain-thinking than most men I know. Additionally, she is “sick to death” ALSO, with the JUNK that is being proffered from the so-called wizards of smart with respect to what is supposed to be our (us men’s) role toward women. It is no wonder that this generation of women is so upset with the men males of today. When did we have to start checking our man-card at the door of the church in the name of sensitivity?
I do get the feeling vs. fixing argument. However, that’s part of the problem. I take issue with the base premise. It’s not an argument or debate. In my opinion, one is NOT better than the other is. One is not right whilst the other is wrong. Both are necessary at their proper time and in their proper proportions. Tell me sirs, when did feeling ever STOP being requisite for real men of God anyway, that now we have to somehow teach men that this is something that we should work on, try to do, really? Isn’t that a requirement for all Christians – both male and female?
I do know that my tone is harsh. Nevertheless, I’ve had enough of the world’s influence upon the males of the church today. I have hosted and led male accountability groups in my home. My wife and I have mentored other couples, as well as singles. We have been a host home for two years for a male foreign exchange student from Korea, as well as for two girls in a Masters Commission program, both who became licensed Ministers working with youth. One even married a pastor. I do not share all this to boast, nay, rather to say I strongly have lived out what I say I believe and thus am not just ranting or trying to pick the proverbial fight.
Moreover, lest anyone think that some men just seem to have it easier, due to a great father’s example or whatever, this encapsulates my experience. The only fight I remember my adoptive parents having is when my mother told my dad that she wished he would wear the pants in the family. His response… I would, but you won’t let me. WHAT??? REALLY??? Can you say: “Clueless in Rockford?”
So what’s my point? The very fact that we – the church – have to teach this stuff is maddening. I put the blame on the very ones who are supposed to be teaching / preaching this weekly, and especially those over the past 40 years. However, it seems that today, preachers want to stay employed and are more concerned with offending the men in the church, than they are about offending a Holy God. Perhaps Leonard Ravenhill says it best,
[“Oh! God, send us prophetic preaching that searches and scorches!…May the Lord send us prophets – terrible men, who cry aloud and spare not, who sprinkle nations with unctionized woes – men too hot to hold, too hard to be heard, too merciless to spare. …Sound doctrine has put most believers sound asleep, for the letter is not enough. It must be kindled! It is the letter plus the Spirit, which “giveth life.” A sound sermon in faultless English and flawless interpretation can be as tasteless as a mouthful of sand. …we need a fire-baptized Church. A blazing bush drew Moses; a blazing Church will attract the world, so that from its midst they will hear the voice of the living God.”] From: Why Revival Tarries.
Maybe I way off base here with what you all are trying to accomplish here, but it seems to me that the very fact that we are even making videos about this stuff, and then discussing and/or debating the content is – well – beyond my ken.