The Marriage Roundabout
My counselor friend Kathy is one of the smartest people I know. Not just book smart, she’s street smart too. I was telling her how every married couple I know struggles with sex, money or extended family (parents, in-laws, siblings, cousins, etc.) She said those were manifestations of a problem but not the real problem. Symptoms but not the disease. She continued to explain that the core issue comes down to the way we love our spouses. We want our spouses to love us the way we want to be loved . . . but usually, that’s not natural. Loving in my love language comes natural to me, but loving my wife in her love language doesn’t. It’s like doing something left-handed when you’re right-handed. It can be done with tenacity and focus, but it’s not natural and never will be.
After hearing this, the first thing I did was think about it in my own marriage and I found it to be oh-so-true. My wife loves through acts of service. She serves me all the time and does so incredibly consistently . . . cooks me great meals, takes care of the house, the bills, and the laundry (and after my lung surgery, she makes darn sure I use Purell so I don’t get sick!) Serving isn’t easy . . . love in any language requires selflessness. But acts of service are natural for her.
Me on the other hand, I’m a words of affirmation person. But asking my wife to love with affirming words is like asking her to do something left-handed. Even knowing that, sometimes my selfishness gets the best of me and I find myself angry because she doesn’t love me the way I want to be loved. It’s like we both drive our cars into a roundabout but we don’t exit . . . I’m a jerk because she’s not giving me the affirming words I want and she feels unappreciated because she is showing her love for me by serving and I ignore it and take it for granted. We’re following each other around-and-around in the roundabout.
Husbands, you’re the leaders. It’s your job to drive your car off the roundabout by accepting and appreciating the love your wife gives you in whatever way she naturally gives it. It’s up to you to create an environment of acceptance, not one of criticism and rejection. Wives, it’s your job to follow your husband off the roundabout by accepting and appreciating the love he gives you in the way he naturally gives it. To expect each other to start loving ‘left-handed’ creates unrealistic expectations.
Love is a choice, not a hole you fall into. Choose to drop your expectations. Choose to be grateful for her love no matter how she gives it. Choose to love your wife “as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.”
Scripture: In the same way, you husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way [with great gentleness and tact, and with an intelligent regard for the marriage relationship], as with someone physically weaker, since she is a woman. Show her honor and respect as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered or ineffective. (1 Peter 3:7, AMP)
Mentor Tip: No marriage between Jesus-followers is beyond repair. Every week, we hear a different story of how God has used a mentor to bring a couple back together. Be bold and courageous. Lead them toward God and each other. Encourage them to take the ‘d-word’ out of the conversation and put all their energy into working it out.
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Responses (3)
Regi let me use words of affirmation to tell you that I appreciate your concise thoughts and these posts have been a blessing to me in my ministry. Today’s post was affirming as my wife and I are in a season of mentoring four couples towards marriage and one couple most marriage. We use the love language ideas and this was helpful. As I read this though it took a turn I wasn’t expecting… while our default (right-handed) way to give and receive love will always be dominant it does seem wise to receive it knowing that it is love given. But shouldn’t we also be leading in deferment of our natural language in the giving of love to our spouse in a way that is MOST accepted by them and in doing so loving within the example of Christ (Philippians 2)? I guess, again in this season of talking about this alot, I am seeing especially young men not wanting to take the leadership role in a marriage and so today’s post seemed passive instead of active pursuit of our wives in the way that best engages their hearts. You are deeply appreciated by me for your words, insights and help.
Thank you Jeremy for your thoughtful words and input. I re-wrote this several times because you’re right . . . love is by definition selfless. If Jesus was anything He was life! Yet He chose death – for us. I was trying to put the cookies on the bottom shelf, recognizing that an ‘acts of service’ love is REAL love but often taken for granted. If we could intentionally love in our love language while truly appreciating her love, that would be huge progress. Training ourselves to go for love that’s unnatural, over-the-top, left-handed love would be amazing. I’m still trying to consistently appreciating what my wife does naturally. When I appreciate her and she feels it, she responds with love in my language and that inspires me to then love her in hers. Once when we had this going, I was painting cabinets for her (without her asking) and she was bragging about me to her friend in front of me! There you have it! Left-handed lovers!
Thank you. It’s about time someone set the love language aright!