Who’s the Most Important Person to You?
I’ve picked up on a habit. I have it. You may have it too. You may think it’s dumb but it’s not. It’s called ‘self referencing’. When one ‘self references’, they take the topic of conversation and make it about them. There’s a person in my life who does this on every topic of conversation every time. It’s exhausting.
Here’s how it goes. If I say something like “We had a great service at church on Sunday”, this person says “My church is doing a building campaign. They asked me to be on the committee, but I’m not sure I have time.” They may think they’re adding value or keeping the conversation going. But they’re not. It’s like I teed the ball up for a conversation and instead of hitting it down the fairway toward the hole, they hit it the opposite way toward their own car. If I say “Yeah, I’m struggling a little with my hurt knee”, they say “Oh, my knees are o.k., but my back is acting up” and then proceed to review the entirety of their health and skeletal history. No matter the subject, they take it to their life, their health, their kids, their history…their ‘frame of reference’. They lose me. They shut down real conversation.
Another habit people have is what I call ‘perfection referencing’. They take the topic of conversation to the realm of what ‘should be’. “We had a great church service on Sunday” is met with “Since we’re worshipping God, every church service should be good”. “Yeah, I’m struggling a little with my hurt knee” gets “You should go to the doctor” or “You should take some Advil” or “You should take it easier when you’re working out”. ‘Perfection referencing’ takes the air out of the room. I don’t want to say anything else because I feel like I’m being corrected or scolded. Or that I don’t measure up. Or they don’t really care about what I’m telling them.
If we want to improve our conversation skills, let’s practice “others referencing”.
When we hear “We had a great church service on Sunday”, say “Wow, that’s great. What made it great?” The person will know we were listening, and asking another question about what they care about demonstrates love. “Yeah, I’m struggling a little with my knee” is followed up with “Man, I hate that. How did you hurt it?” It’s not about YOUR knee, it’s not about what they should have done or how they should feel, it’s about them. It’s staying in their frame of reference. It’s living out Philippians 2:3 in our conversations with people….
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind
regard one another as more important than yourselves…
In Leo Tolstoy’s famous short story The Three Questions, the king asks “Who is the most important person to me?” The wise man answers “The most important person is the one who is in front of you right now.”
In our ‘warp-speed’, wired culture, patiently listening to someone….responding to what they have to say with genuine interest…that may be the most unique, loving gift we can give. And we can only give it one person at a time. To the person who is in front of us right now.
Question: Will we muster enough patience and selflessness to ‘others reference’ and love people by really listening to them? Share here.
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Responses (12)
Wow, this one really hit home with me! I have a couple of people in my life who I can now see the “perfections referencing” in, but I am the REALLY guilty one when it comes to the “self referencing”. I do it all the time, and I guess I never even thought about it as being wrong until just now. What a selfish way to act! Thanks for opening my eyes this morning & giving me something to work on today, Regi! 🙂
Thanks Alan. I just had a phone conversation with a friend and I “others-referenced”. It felt so good! The problem is my friend was so shocked, he didn’t know what to say. Might be a clue as to what he’s used to with me. But I’m on the road to recovery!
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Good post…again…Regi. I like the idea of being “other referencing” and so step away from ourselves or ideas of perfect. Being fully present is a forever challenge.
Good words.
just like the rest of my life…would have been ‘less’ without your involvement. Thank you.
Thanks for the wisdom Regi. A great reminder to be very intentional in practicing “others referencing”. With enough practice, and the power of the Holy Spirit, we can be more selfless and create community. Miss seeing you. Doug
Thanks Doug. I hope Clemson is treating you well. And I hope the Tigers go 10-2, losing only to USC and Georgia!
My excuse for self referencing has been that I am building rapport. Now I see it for what it is self centerered behaviour instead of other centeredness. Thanks for the reminder
Yeah, Tony…I’ve gotten sucked into the habit thinking I was lubricating conversation. I was actually putting on the brakes!
Regi, reading “My Father’s Business” brought me to your website this morning. This is the first blog of yours that I’ve read – and what a doozie! It hit me right between the eyes as I think about all the times I’ve self-referenced and perfection-referenced. I can’t wait to try out others-referencing in my conversations today. Thanks!
Welcome Rob. I hope to hear more from you. And I hope God gives me some more ‘doozies’…I love hearing that!
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