Friendship Grows in the Darkness

The old saying goes “to have a friend, you have to be one.”

I don’t think so.

To me that describes a business deal. That’s a trade, not a friendship. Haven’t you been friends with people who haven’t been good friends back? Sure you have.

A bigger truth is “to have a friend, you have to express your need.” You can argue (probably successfully) that if you haven’t been a friend to someone, they aren’t going to be around to care about your need. But the ‘currency’ of real relationship is need. And you will never have a deep friendship without expressing your needs. Without vulnerability. To have a friend, you have to take the risk of opening yourself up and sharing your heart. And that means you have to risk being rejected.

So let’s take a guy who’s got financial problems. Or a guy who’s lost a loved one. Or a guy whose marriage is in deep yogurt. Or a guy who’s in trouble at work and is about to lose his job. How does God give this guy the help He has for him?

First, he has to humble himself, drop the pride and self-assured, macho, “I can get through this on my own” mentality. Then he has to go to his friend and say “I need you. I’m not asking you to bail me out. I just need someone to talk to.” In that vulnerability, he opens himself up and allows someone ‘in’; ‘in’ to his fear, ‘in’ to his sorrow, ‘in’ to his pain. And ‘in’ to to his heart. In the darkness of his situation, he’s connected. No longer alone. He has a friend.

When her youngest son was diagnosed with bone cancer, my sister called from Duke University Medical Center. There was a long pause, and then she said “I need you. Can you come up here?” She didn’t have to explain. She wasn’t asking for my wisdom, medical advice, or financial help. She just needed me….someone she loved and who loved her. Someone who would be there, who would care, who would listen. Someone who would sit with her as she waited outside the treatment rooms. We’ve been close ever since. A deeper friendship than possible any other way (Thankfully, her son survived).

In every crisis I can remember, there’s been a moment. A decision point. A fork in the road. Go it alone? Or tell someone and take them with you? My brother found out he had a deadly cancer. It was 6 months before he decided to invite anyone else to ‘go with him’. Once he did, he got love and support he didn’t think was possible, some of which will extend his life.

This moment I’m talking about is like the one just before you jump over a creek. You know it’s what you need to do. It’s what you want to do. But there’s this uncertainty…this fear of not making it….this hesitance that tells you to wait…to put it off…to figure out another way so you don’t have to take the risk.

God wants you and me to take that risk. He wants us to jump the creek. He wants us to open ourselves up to a trusted friend. He wants to bless you and that person with an intimate friendship, one that can get roots and grow strong. Birthed in the darkness of pain.

Question: What are you carrying around by yourself that you’d really like to share with someone? Could this be what God uses to bond a deep, forever friendship? Tell us here.