Dealing with Your “Stuff”

Dealing with Your “Stuff”

Posted by Regi Campbell on January 16, 2020

Years ago, a young friend of mine was screwing up his marriage so bad, I could hardly watch. If there’s a list of things to do wrong, he checked every box. My friend John is the one I always go to when I don’t know what to do. So, I asked John how I should go about helping my young friend. “How do I get this guy’s attention?” I asked. “What will make him focus on his real issues and stop playing games? Is there any way to motivate him to stop lying to himself so he can make real progress?”

John said there are three paths to making progress . . . three things that will lead a man to deal with his “stuff” . . .

  1. Voluntary engagement – “I see what’s happening around me. I listen to people in my life who care about me enough to confront me. I poke around enough to understand how I’m hurting my relationships. I look at myself in the mirror and make an honest assessment. Then I decide what to do differently and, more importantly, I ask for help. I engage other people to go with me as I tackle what I need to change about myself.” This road to progress is the quickest, smartest, and involves the least pain and collateral damage.
  2. Pattern of failure – “As I fail multiple times in relationships at home or work, I begin to get a whiff of the problem. But I let myself off the hook and chalk it up to other factors at play. But then another relationship fails, another fight with my wife puts us sleeping in separate beds, another promotion passes me by, and I realize the common denominator in all those situations is . . . me. After multiple failures, I finally look myself in the mirror, take ownership, ask for help, and start to make progress.” This path involves more pain and hardship than the first, but not it’s not nearly as severe as the next.
  3. Harsh discipline of reality – “If I don’t voluntarily engage or connect the dots of a pattern of failure, the harsh discipline of reality gets my attention. A person I thought I was close to turns against me. My wife leaves and heads straight for divorce court. I lose my job. I’m invited off the board. There is no denying it . . . I’m the problem!” This is the ugliest path to progress. And the most expensive . . . emotionally, relationally, financially.

Another friend of mine phrased the same idea this way, “God’s going to get my attention if He wants it. He’ll start with a whisper. Then He’ll be loud and direct. But then if He has too, He gets out His baseball bat.”

It’s a progression from light to heat. Shining light on the problem and voluntarily engaging it is by far the smartest and least painful choice. But if we’re not honest with ourselves and we let our stuff create patterns of failure that if still unchecked, ultimately lead to the harsh discipline of reality . . . light becomes heat, and the whisper becomes a baseball bat.

We all have stuff to deal with . . . so, which path to progress will you choose?

Question: As we move into 2020, is there an issue you know you need to address? Something like anger. Or holding grudges. Or a critical spirit? Or talking about people behind their backs? Or lies you’ve told and keep telling? Or drinking a lot more than anyone knows or would believe? Or the relationship that’s sapping emotional energy from your marriage?

Comment here.

Responses (2)

Haines Maxwell #2
Haines Maxwell #2 Posted: January 16, 2020, 11:00 am

Great stuff. Will be sharing this at a man breakfast tomorrow morning!

Larry Lonadier
Larry Lonadier Posted: January 16, 2020, 11:34 am

Many/most of us start the journey of real change by entering the process in item #3, me at the head of the line. There are many reasons for this and it is complex but not complex in any aspect for Jesus. He sees clearly the entangled mess of our inner lives (made visible by our outer lives) and what got us there (the wrong kind of spiritual formation) and what’s needed to move us into a #1 type person, 1st with Him then with others. Fortunate is the person who has found the way/path to become a person who lives as their reality in the description of #1. We would all like to think of ourselves as a #1 kind of person who is wise & humble, and the good news is we can become that! A disciple of Jesus will become that kind of person, it’s unavoidable. We don’t have to stay in #3 or even #2 and we shouldn’t. We need to help men understand this and demonstrate & teach them so as we find that way/path of life ourselves. No amount of human effort can move a man from #3 to #2 or to #1, that’s God’s deal but we should in on that deal with Him. God bless

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *