Take Responsibility
Regardless the ‘mode’ your marriage is in, the question is the same. What are you gonna do? Moving forward, how will you look at your marriage? How will you lead?
The starting point is taking responsibility. Not for her marriage, not for ‘the’ marriage, but for your marriage. Three out of those four letters spell “you”. Taking responsibility means stepping up and taking ownership. Not being the victim. Not being the recipient. Being the initiator. Taking the lead.
Of course, that takes us back to Jesus, the greatest leader of all time. And what kind of leader was He? A servant leader. Uh oh! Here we are again at serving our wives. “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her” Eph. 5:25.
To really love someone, you have to get into that person’s frame of reference. How does she feel when you say or do certain things? What do you do that ‘lights her up’? Or shuts her down?
I figured out (after 44 years…duh), my wife loves to be cooked for. I’m sure it reflects back to years of cooking for her disabled dad followed by the feeding of our family of four for 20 years. No matter why, she loves it when I cook. So I get to decide; do I ‘delight’ by serving her (e.g. doing something I know she loves and appreciates….something selfless)? Or do I take the selfish route and let her cook all the time? There it is right there. The choice between selfless or selfish. Between ‘giving myself up” or leaving it on her to do what she’s always done.
In the same way, ‘genius me’ finally figured out the quickest way to shut my wife down is to cut her down in front of other people. Usually it’s a ‘good-natured’ joke, the kind of thing you’d say to an 8th grade schoolmate standing by your locker. But said to or about your wife in front of other people? It doesn’t matter who those ‘other people’ are. When I do that to her, no matter how silly or immaterial I may think it is, I’m tearing down my wife and tearing down my marriage. Taking responsibility says I stop that.
And how we respond to what our wife says (and does) may be even more important than what we initiate. Mark Batterson says “It’s easy to act like a Christian. It’s much harder to respond like one.” Taking responsibility means we throttle our emotions. We don’t take things personal. We let things go without ‘returning fire’. James 3:5 “So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire!” Control your tongue and you’re on your way to improving your marriage.
No person can control another. No husband can ‘manufacture’ a great marriage. Taking responsibility for your role as husband doesn’t guarantee a specific response from your wife. But stepping up, taking ownership, leading with selflessness, giving it your highest and best effort does guarantee a sense of peace regardless of her response.
Question: Will you step up and take responsibility for your marriage? Tell us here
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Responses (7)
What a great truth and encouragement. I vividly remember being at lunch years ago with a friend complaining about my marriage and I got “The Challenge.” First, get into God’s word like never before. Fuse it into your DNA. Second, decide to love her and go all the way. She may not respond or follow but do it anyway. The result was and continues to be amazing. When I started really digging into the Bible, I realized, sadly, how little of it i had in my head, heart and life. But it was also exhilarating. Then I was free to love her and not be focused on the response. I knew I was following the right path and it accelerated and motivated me. Truth set me free.
You are a wise, wise man.
Love this phrase and it is so true, “It’s easy to act like a Christian. It’s much harder to respond like one.”
John, also like what you said “free to love and not be focused on the response.” That is good advice for both husband and wife.” So easy to do the right thing when we think we’ll receive a reward but this mentality leads to anger and frustration when we do not receive that reward. Much better to do things with an attitude of love rather than what’s in it for me mentality.
Really strong post today…and a great challenge! Thanks Regi for continuing to challenge me.
I love the picture!!!! Very funny
Great content. I have been married for 33 years and it takes a servant leader to make it happen on both sides. Love the picture. Can you send me a file for it?
Is there a poster version of that picture. I want one in my classroom.