You Hurt My…Ego!
“You hurt my feelings” is really hard for a man to say. It’s not manly to talk about your feelings or to whine about your sniffly wounded heart! Much more manly to pout. That’s what I do.
Truth is it’s our ego that’s been hurt, not our feelings. ‘Feelings’ are emotions. They come upon us unannounced, unfiltered and real. We feel what we feel. We don’t control what comes up in our ‘feeler’; we only control how we interpret and respond to what we feel.
My definition of ego (sorry Freud) is “the combination of the person I think I am, the person I want to be, and the person I want others to think I am”. The borders between these three ‘ghosts’ are foggy. I don’t know which one is running the show until I run into someone and get hurt. Retrospectively, I can figure it out.
When that happens…when I find myself in a tailspin, feeling angry, and hurt, having my personal pity party, it’s because one of 3 things happened…
– someone didn’t respond the way I wanted them to respond
– someone didn’t do what I wanted them to do
-someone didn’t say what I wanted them to say
Get the picture? I’ve set myself up as god, deciding what other people should think, do and say. When they let me down, I’m upset. I’m hurt…by whomever failed to meet my expectations.
Pure pride. Plain and simple.
The word ‘ego’ isn’t in the Bible, but the word ‘pride’ is. 49 times. Pride is jacked up ego. Pride is what sent Satan to hell. Pride has a role in every single sin. And pride is at the root of my “hurt feelings”.
It’s hard to see pride. It’s like something dark hidden in the dark. The best way to see pride is to turn on the light of humility. The contrast is stunning…the humble heart vs. the prideful one. “If I truly humbled myself, what would this situation look like?” “Would I feel the same way about what she said?” “Would I take what he said personally, or would I let it go?” “Do I really have the right to expect her to react the way I want her to in every situation?” “So her feelings come rushing out before she can control them. Should that make me mad?”
No. And if I can learn to ‘swallow my pride’, I’ll respond differently. In humility, I can understand rather than bow up.
There’s a lot of things God seems to be neutral about. But pride isn’t one of them. James 4:6 says “God opposes the proud but favors the humble.” Of everyone I don’t want “opposing” me, God is at the top of the list! And do I ever want his favor? Another translation says He “gives grace to the humble”. Grace. Undeserved blessing. To the humble.
Next time you get your feelings hurt, recognize it was your ego, not your feelings. Humble yourself. Instead of rehearsing the conversation you’re going to have where you express your hurt feelings, turn to your Heavenly Father and tell Him how much you love Him. How grateful you are for all He’s done for you. Notice how insignificant your ‘feelings’ become when you let His amazing love wash over you.
See…it wasn’t your feelings at all. It can be healed in a moment of humility and gratitude.
Question: Will you confess that your ego is “lording” expectations over people in your life? Will you humble yourself, let go of the hurts, and let the amazing love of God wash over you? Tell us here if you will….
Breathe New Life Into Your Discipleship
Small group mentoring can help you engage your people, build your core group of leaders, and transform your church. Our free resources equip you with all the tools you need to launch a sustainable mentoring program.
Responses (8)
I’m always curious when I read or hear a perspective like this. There’s no question there are times when this perspective is 100% on target, and applies to certain sitautions and circumstances in our lives. But, the way this is communicated, it doesn’t seem to allow for instances of “legitimate” frustration, disappointment, etc. Are there ever such instances?
For example, what should the proper (Biblical) response be to the following:
1. A spouse that frequently spends more than we earn, and yet . . .
2. doesn’t embrace a heart of Biblical generosity, and won’t sacrafice personally and honor God with a tithe.
3. A spouse that doesn’t support the removal of “screens” (TV, X-Box, Wii, iPod, Nintendo DS, computer, iPad, etc.) when the kids regularly spend “too much” time on them (often 8 to 10 hours a day).
4. A spouse that seemingly won’t require the kids to assume a minimal level of responsibility and accountability with household chores–resulting in excessive slothfulness, and both parents having to assume the full responsibility of work outside and inside the home.
These are just a few examples, but how do you find a reasonable level of harmony and balance with issues like this when a married couple (and the kids) seem to have such varying perspectives? Do I embrace the perspective laid out here–it’s all about my ego and pride, so I should just get over it and simply accept the status quo . . . regardless of the impact it has on the kids?
Perhaps my level of maturity (spiritually and otherwise) is just so undeveloped, or perhaps my expectations are simply too high. I so desire a strong marriage and family life, but too often it seems we’ve embraced the way of the world, instead of the “true life” that Christ offers us.
Michael, you’ve got some issues going on. Your list of judgements of your wife is probably a lot longer than the 4 you shared here. If your wife is a Christ-follower, you guys need to find someone you both respect…preferably a woman…who can help you get this stuff out on the table and worked through. I get nervous when someone uses “Biblical” response, “Biblical” generosity, and (indirectly) blames his wife for “embracing the way of the world”. Sounds like you’ve moved to a different level in your walk and you’re judging her for not being in the same place you are. There’s no such thing as “legitimate” frustration (again, a judging mindset). Frustration is frustration and we all feel it when we don’t get what we want and when people don’t do or say what we think they should. I’d encourage you to get some help. “Harmony and balance” aren’t happening until you guys get on the same page. In the mean time, don’t make it a mean time. Stop judging and give grace.
Michael – I can relate. By having certain expectations of how my wife should act, I was setting myself up as god. I assumed it was my job as her husband to control and “fix” her. My problem was: I didn’t understand who God, I didn’t understand what Jesus did and I didn’t understand that marriage is meant to be a picture of the Gospel for others to look at and point to as a small taste of what God is like.
Just as you have expectations of your wife, I didn’t understand that God also has expectations for me: Perfection….to be without sin. The beautiful thing is that we can’t do it. That’s the Good News. Jesus already did it. And He calls us and gives us the opportunity to follow Him every day with our lives.
One biblical command that is pretty clear is this idea of loving our wife like Christ loved the church. Jesus lived a life of sacrifice and died a brutal death for his bride. He gave without requiring anything in return. He gave without complaint or impatience. And his righteousness and standing before God was GIVEN to us. The call from Jesus is to show others (which includes our wife) the SAME grace and truth that has been revealed to us. That’s where life is for her and for you.
I obviously don’t know you or know anything about your situation, so forgive me if my assumptions are incorrect. Only through experience is it that I would imagine your wife is over-loaded and heavily burdened with your expectations, constant corrections, and critical comments of her. She’s overwhelmed and stressed to the max. She’s trying to live up to Michael’s expectations and serve this very imperfect god…..I don’t know about you, but I make a pretty crappy god. We are to point them to Jesus, nothing else.
I don’t doubt your concerns about your wife and for your kids; I’m sure they are very real and are problematic. But those are the results of larger underlying issues. And yes, your wife does have responsibilities in the marriage covenant as well, but that’s not your concern…especially if you aren’t giving your life away to her daily.
So three things:
1) Ask God to wreck you and for the Spirit to reveal grace and truth to you today.
2) Get in the Word and seek to be informed and transformed.
3) Start dying to yourself and giving your life away to your wife and kids. All the little things. Everyday. Have her make a list of all her daily household tasks…..commit to and own half of them (yes, I know you’re already busy..do it anyways). Talk (ie. Listen) to her about her dreams and fears. Show her how the reality of the Gospel changes our man-made ideas (ie. No need to seek approval because the Gospel says we’re already 100% approved and loved). Don’t try to fix her. Pray for her daily. Talk to her about what God is showing you through His word and spirit.
Do this daily, consistently and over time an amazing thing happens. You’ll receive and find much more than “a reasonable level of harmony and balance”. You’ll both receive life.
Thanks for sharing your heart and I hope at least one point resonates. Been there man. Praying for you now.
This is great: “I’ve set myself up as god, deciding what other people should think, do and say. When they let me down, I’m upset. I’m hurt…by whomever failed to meet my expectations.”
Actual humility seems to breed and foster FREEDOM as well. It’s the Gospel.
It frees me up to be who God created me be. I don’t have to worry or wonder or assume what others think of me. My worth and value is not predicated on what someone thinks of me.
I know who I am (God’s son) and I know I’m already approved. I’m already loved and accepted. Not because of what I’ve done, but because of Christ’s work.
Now that’s Good News!
Amen
This is spot on Regi, the notion that “hurt people, hurt people”. Really frees us up to look at what are people trying to say to us, how are they hurting when they come at us. We have to stop making everything about us and love each other. That’s a simple statement but a deep topic, starting with seeking the “how” and “why”, understanding Gods love for us, letting go of pain, shame and guilt, releasing control, believing we are lovable and good enough, losing the ego, then we can really begin to comprehend how to love others, intentionally, unconditionally, just as we look out for ourselves each day.
Couldn’t agree more Matt. When we embrace God’s overwhelming love for us, everything changes. How we see ourselves, how we deal with our wives…everything.
My ego was hurt when I donated musical toys to the church play room.
Months latter I noticed they disappeared. I felt unimportant and discarded. It took 2 weeks to have the person finally let me know they gave them away to amvets. My heart was attached to having them be for the kids! I expected since this person knew I donated them, she would let me know they were not wanted. I never meant for them to be discarded.
The man that helped me find out what happened told me I did nothing wrong. This blog exposes it was pride in the inner sanctuary of my heart that caused the hurt that festered for 2 weeks. I think was ok to find out what happened. However, The sinful pride (hurting part) is what must be addressed for what it is…..