Marriage Problems Don’t Exist
They are personal problems, revealed in the ‘white-hot heat’ of marriage. If you take away the veil of ‘marriage problems’ and look deeper, you’ll see ‘action’-‘response’ at work, over and over. One person says or does something. The other person responds.
And with every problem…in every situation, you are either the actor or the responder.
So “marriage problems” stem from individuals acting and responding in immature ways.
If you’re the actor, it’s likely you mess up in one of these ways….
1. You say or do something to communicate an expectation for your wife that she doesn’t meet.
2. She says or does something and you take it personal.
3. You say something your wife takes as criticism.
4. You do something selfish, putting what you want ahead of what she wants, and without talking with her about it.
5. You fail to include her in planning something that involves her.
These are some of your actions that cause big problems and start fights.
As a responder, the key is how you respond to these same things when they come your way. When your wife lets you know you failed to meet her expectation, you’ll respond. One way or the other….well or poorly. Same is true for the others. When you say or do something she takes personal, it’s done. The toothpaste is out of the tube and you can’t put it back. No matter your motive when you said it, you’re now the responder. You will choose your response. Will you apologize…or defend with something like “I stand behind what I said”? (not recommended).
Criticizing your wife is a dead-end-street, with bad guys and guns. Do you really think she’s going to say “Wow, honey. I understand now. Thank you for pointing that out. I’ll never do that again. Thank you for enriching my life and helping me become a better person!” By the same token, when she criticizes you, you’ll respond. Will you choose the high road? Or will you be defensive? Power up? Get mad? Or mope?
When you’re the victim of her selfishness (and you will be, no matter how saintly she is), how will you respond? Will you call her out and teach her a lesson? Will you take it all in and ask God to show you how (and when) He’d have you respond?
I set a BHAG (big, hairy, audacious goal) of living all of 2013 without being upset with my wife. I’ve come close, but I’ve made it almost 5 months. I’m trying to live carefully… so I’m not the actor who sets things off with a thoughtless comment or decision. And maybe more important is managing how I respond. I’m slowing things down. Thinking them through. Trying to understand her words and her heart (e.g. her desires). Then respond rather than react.
I’ve found that managing myself dissolves most of our ‘marriage problems’.
“You husbands…, live with your wives in an understanding way…”1 Peter 3:7a
Question: Will you be more careful in how you speak and act toward your wife? And will you be more careful with your responses? Tell us here.
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Responses (6)
Regi, you are a great writer, and evidently an even better listener! God must have told you to write this for me today, and I’m glad you did.
Due to circumstances I won’t get into here, my wife and I had a rough morning. This was very difficult because it’s very unusual for us. It’s not that we ( or our marriage) are perfect by any means. We just work very well together and usually respond to our “marriage issues” in a very healthy, life-giving way. We are both usually very quick to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes and admit we are wrong when we are. However, the current circumstances of our lives created the perfect storm this morning that allowed a small issue to get blown into a much larger deal, and we both had to head off to work with heavy hearts. Something else we usually do not let happen.
Thanks for reminding me that God has called ME to lay down my life for my wife, to love her like Christ loves the church (sacrificially and unconditionally) and to set a good example for my kids to follow.
Thanks for mentoring from a distance!
Jason
I assure you, Jason, I’m a work in progress. Proverbs says “Such as a man thinketh, so is he” and I’ve been thinking a lot more about holding my tongue and responding rather than reacting. It helps a lot. And deciding not to speak everything I know (or think) helps too.
Regi – I use the terms react or respond. Do I react – often out of my sinful, selfish, dishonoring self? or do I respond – thoughtfully, out of love and grace, the way the Lord has empowered me?
It’s a willful choice!
Congratulations on the five months of responding well to your bride of many years.
Thanks Steve. Looking forward to seeing you in a week or so!
Awesome post. I feel like you’re sitting across the kitchen table on this one.
Thanks Mark. The topic of marriage seems to be pretty popular with guys, maybe because we’re such slow learners and haven’t a clue as to what we’re doing. Do you think that could be it?