A Shortcut for Suffering
A young friend of mine named Andrew is about to release his first full-length film. It’s called After the End. It’s a film about dealing with pain and sorrow. It was birthed when Andrew’s dad was killed on a fourth-of-July bike ride a couple of years ago. Andrew was right there. He saw it all. He experienced an unbelievable horror…seeing the dad he loved lying bloodied and lifeless on the ground. No time to prepare. No doctors talking quietly…preparing you for the worst. Just screeching tires, a crash and it’s over.
The most memorable person in Andrew’s film is a guy who just lost his mother. He looks straight into the camera with tears streaming down his face and says, “You gotta let pain do its job. I’m gonna stay right here and let it do it’s work…until it’s finished. Ain’t no shortcuts.”
Yet there is a shortcut. And he was taking it even as he tearfully said there wasn’t one.
It’s opening yourself up. It’s letting people in on what’s going on, what you’re thinking. It’s asking for help at the very time you don’t want to talk to anyone. It’s sharing your burden, not trying to dump it.
Henri Nouwen…
One very important way to befriend our sorrow is to take it out of its isolation, and share it with someone who can receive it. So much of our pain remains hidden-even from our closest friends. When we feel lonely, do we go to someone we trust and say: “I am lonely. I need your support and company.” When we feel anxious, sexually needy, angry or bitter, do we dare ask a friend to be with us and receive our pain?
Too often we think or say: “I don’t want to bother my friends with my problems. They have enough problems themselves.” But the truth is that we honor our friends by entrusting our struggles to them. Don’t we ourselves say to our friends who have hidden their feelings of fear and shame from us: “Why didn’t you tell me, why did you keep it secret so long?” Obviously, not everyone can receive our hidden pains. But I believe that if we truly desire to grow in spiritual maturity, God will send us the friends we need.
What keeps us from this? Why do we stuff it and go it alone? Three suggestions…
- Because we worry about what others think – “Will he think I’m weak? Or chicken? Or a cry-baby? Or soft?”
- Because we’re not sure how our friends will respond when we ask – “Will he blow me off? Be too busy? Bow out because of his own problems? Delegate me to some minister or counselor because ‘this is above my pay grade?’
- Because we doubt our value – “Am I worth his time? Am I valuable enough that he (my friend) would stop what he’s doing and come feel my pain and suffer with me?”
True strength is demonstrated in vulnerability. When we choose to be vulnerable, open ourselves up, and invite a friend into our pain and sorrow, we take a shortcut to healing.
Question: When trouble comes, will you suffer alone or take a shortcut?
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Responses (3)
Thanks Regi, for your always thoughtful and provoking posts that takes us to our deepest heart issues, they get read much more than you know.
In the past, I would have suffered alone. However, I’m learning to share the pain with others. We recently had to put our dog down and I shared about that publicly on my blog. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make.
Sharing the pain has helped. It’s shown me I’m not alone in the pain. That others have gone through the same issues. And they’ve survived.
Regi,
When I was at one of my lowest points, it was a honest email to trusted friends that got me out of it. Shame and hurt grow in the darkness. Freedom and health need the light. Thank you for stating it so well in this post.