“I Can’t, I Have To . . .”

Have you ever had to tell someone “I can’t, I have to . . .”? It’s called ‘negative assertion.’ On one side of the comma, you’re saying ‘no’ . . . on the other side, you’re saying ‘yes.’ You have to say ‘no’ to one thing in order to say ‘yes’ to something else. Negative assertion is hard. None of us like to say ‘no,’ especially to influential people or those whose opinions we value.

One of the most stretching aspects of a Radical Mentoring group is having the whole year’s calendar negotiated up front. This leaves everyone with the constant task of saying ‘no’ to other things so they can say ‘yes’ to their covenant commitment to the group. The dates are set far in advance . . . well before anyone is offered tickets to the Masters, has the chance to go skiing and stay free in a fancy house, or before seeing how perfect the weather turns out to be. We have to defend those dates, even when we’d rather be doing the ‘new thing’ that’s offered up. And the more we want to do the ‘new thing,’ the harder it is to say, “I can’t, I have to . . .” and to stick with our commitment.

Often the people we care most about are the ones who hear “I can’t, I have to . . .” the most. If we don’t put date nights, kid-time and family outings on the calendar, the time looks ‘available’ to Dad. What’s a wife or a child going to think when Dad says, “I can’t, I have to (fill in the blank . . . “go out of town,” “fill in for a friend,” “work late,” “have dinner with the guys,” “go to the game,” etc.). Yes, you care what your wife and kids think, but you’re the provider . . . they have to forgive you . . . right? They probably will. But you’re the one who misses out. Yes, there are seasons of work-life requiring tons of time. And yes, there are jobs requiring tons of travel. But when we’re really pressed, most of us could say, “I can’t” more often to things other than family.

Every decision we make is a choice between the greater of two ‘goods’ or the lesser of two ‘evils.’ “I can’t, I have to . . .” usually contrasts two ‘goods.’ Will we choose the ‘good’ that’s most important? The one we know God would have us choose? The one that’s going to cost us something in the short term but be worth it in the long run? A priority isn’t a priority until there’s a decision to be made. Saying “my family comes first” is just a bunch of idyllic words when the vast majority of your “I can’t, I have to’s” go toward what you (and others) want and away from what your wife and family really need.

Check yourself next time you hear yourself say, “I can’t, I have to . . .” Think about it. Ask God, “What would you have me know about this decision?” Then listen.

Are you on the right side of the comma?

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